I just do. . . .

There is just no rhyme or reason, sometimes I recall a conversation, a memory, a moment in which I erupted in laughter. And I feel an instant ache in my heart of how much I miss you. Tonight I had a moment where I stopped in my own foot steps, smiled, talked out loud to you, and cried. My emotions are just still so real and raw. I'm missing you more each day wishing I could hug you, call you, see you. I just do. . .

Just try to make it through

As if missing you on Christmas is bad enough, having to miss you extra on your birthday makes it even harder. I can't believe that we never got to surprise you with your 70th Birthday Surprise Party. That so sits at the back of my mind after another year not celebrating your birthday passes. I miss the girls not calling you to sing Happy Birthday to the top of their lungs or giving you that extra sappy father/daughter card cause well it said everything and I knew it would always bring you too tears. I hope you celebrated 72 with cake, and your favorite things.
Christmas was at the house gathered with a huge void of having you not there. There was something about you in your chair just taking it all in. Getting that gift and guessing getting it right 99% of the time. I miss you so much, I try to think your there in spirit and watching us all but dam it, that is the furthest from the way I want it. What I would give to have you here celebrating with us. I miss the laughter, crying with you at Hallmark movies, seeing you tear up over the grandkids opening gifts, I miss all the little things in between . I did get a gift labeled to Crystal Love Dad, a crock pot brand new amoungest your stuff you had picked up at one time or another. I cried a bit thinking wow he's not here but yet he still is making his presence known. I tucked the tag I know written by mom but yet the simpleness of seeing love Dad still was just what I needed. I have it saved for the day I need to see it or feel your presence. Your loved so much and missed more than words can express. Happy 72nd Birthday Daddy.

It appears in simple ways

Yesterday December 15th I celebrated my 35th birthday (for the 6th year) I was blessed with Birthday wishes from family and friends near and far, it was a relaxing day with ending the night with dinner with my favorite people my girls and the hubby.
Well and Im quite certain that my dad showed me his birthday wishes with a quaint little story:
I went to the post office before going about my day to finish up some shopping. I saw a gentleman get out of the truck across from me as I was leaving the post office. This same gentleman was one I saw in the local paper just the past week having recognized the name and a familiar face, I knew he was a friend of my dads.
Well this was my moment to touch base and ask so I did. I said "excuse me are you John Cloonan," he said "yes" I said, "you don't recognize me do you," in which he answered "No" I introduced myself as "Ed Bracketts daughter," He was like "Oh my yes," and i'm sorry to hear about your dad he was a great guy," Immediately my heart melted a bit and I smiled and he told me about some stories of my dad, its amazing how something so simple can make his presence known.
Dad thank you for showing me that you are still there and you know what dad you are missed by more than you ever thought.

Only thing I can give you. . .

As Christmas quickly approaches, I'm left with just one thing to give you. A basket yeah full of fresh sprigs of pine, evergreen and balsum, oh and some little red berries, all blended together with a maroon bow. That's it. No more scouring through stores looking for that one thing you had not already bought yourself, or that #1 Grampa mug you could add to your collection. I guess the basket will do. But its more than a basket sure it makes the drab looking winter cemetary that's awaiting snow look a little better, it shows others your thought of and loved, but I guess it's what's on my heart that matters most still. The love you gave me as a child is in my heart, the harsh lessons of growing up is in my heart, the memories,the laughter, the tears, the heart ache, the bond we shared its all still very much alive in my heart. So even though we can no longer laugh together, or say I love you or just talk I do have all those other things that you gave me and I gave you in return. So please just accept the basket so you know that you are loved and missed more and more everyday.

Footprints in the Sand.

Its amazing how something you see or hear can trigger an emotion and thought of you dad. Tonight I watched a tv show where she danced in memory of her dad. It was flawless and beautiful. I cried, sobbed knowing how I could relate to her emotions.
I pulled up the poem Footprints in the sand. How the Lord walked beside at times and carried her the other. Maybe this relates to us dad a father and a daughter, maybe you walk beside me during certain times in my life but other times when I feel beat up, emotionally out of control, angry or frustrated you carry me.
Either way sometimes I wish you were here walking beside me with your feet next to mine not just leaving footprints. Its amazing how things change emotions grow and yet when I reach for an outlet someone has failed me and the footprints are not there. If in fact your carrying me thank you.

Love and Hate

It's fast approaching, the Holidays. Thanksgiving is is just over a week away, oh dad how our freezer would be filled with the deal you got on Turkey's. How you would be checking to see what else we needed and to make sure I had cranberry relish fixings ready.
Walking through the grocery store I found myself smiling to myself at all the things we would have to have and or stuff that you taught me to make. I love the Holidays but oh how I miss not having these memories to make anymore with you. I guess I just have to keep recreating them.

A diffrent kinda scare Halloween

I love Halloween always have. I remember my dad taking us all around Buxton, leaving no home unvisited. He enjoyed it as much as us kids did. It was always a great adventure. Well I have finally gotten Amber into visiting Halloween haunted houses and we visited one in NH. It was fun with her boyfriend tagging along. We went into the different haunts and it was sucessfull with screams from me along with Amber and Mitchell.
Well we went through the haunted cementary. There was this building we walked into. I was not scared of the haunters it was the fear of this stuffed dummy type person laying in a make shift coffin, with poor fake blood and a few other decorations to make it look creepy, well when I looked at it I saw something very different. This was a thing a fake person with my dads shirt on, no kidding the exact type shirt my dad would wear, and boots just like my dad would wear. I stood there looking over my shoulder knowing it was not real but yet something inside me brought me to the funeral home standing beside him.
It was a strange feeling the world was silent for all I could do was keep looking back. A piece of me just wanted to grab it and hold it or grab it and run or just grab it and cry. It was weird. I was seeing my dad or was I wanting it to be him.
Later that night waiting to go into other haunts I asked Amber if she noticed it she of course did but really did not put it together but Mitchell told me he saw me looking back he said he knew I was thinking something much different.
I did I missed my dad at that moment I missed him all over I missed the trick or treating I missed him scaring us I missed him I just missed him.

a reflection can trigger so much more

So today I learned that my 7th grade English teacher Mr. Norton passed away. I felt a sudden sense of sadness as I read the obituary. It brought me right back to the classroom the one room tucked in the corner right after the band room. I remember quotes of famous writters and photos covered the walls. He was that one teacher kids wanted to have and I'm so glad to say I was one of the lucky ones. I reflected today a lot thinking about how much I like to read and write and blog. How much I enjoy all aspects of language arts. It's amazing to think that one person could have such an impact even now today 27 years ago. I read what some of my classmates or fellow upper and lower classmen wrote and wow he was one hell of a teacher to have touched so many lives. Tonight I'm greatful to have known him. Dad look for Mr. Norton and share some stories with him for I think  you two would get along great.

A year in the making

It's hard to believe that a tag on a FB post would had brought me to this blogging journey. It started when a friend reached out to me inviting me to a grief workshop. When I attended I never knew that only 9 months after losing you dad still felt like day one. I never knew how deep the hurt went and how angry I was and yet how scared and how much I miss you. It's been a little over a year that I sat in front of my laptop resting on my lap and typed away. It's been so helpful for me to refect on you Dad and the long road of grief. It has made me smile, laugh, and cry and reminisce about the father/daughter bond we have.
I have shared my blog with friends and family who have lost their dad maybe my words would comfort them like they have comforted me or caused anger and tears for I have too learned that grief is an ugly thing that everyone handles differently. I will continue to blog my feelings and refections of you dad for I've learned that each word still makes you feel alive in my heart and mind. I love you dad and miss you more everyday. My tears are still real and that will never end. I will someday smile more smiles than shead tears but till then I will blog my thoughts and feelings about you the man I call my dad. Loved forever and missed everyday by your little girl.

I talk to you.....

It's not very often that I don't talk to you. I don't mind having conversations with you. Some days it's two or three times some days it's more and some days it's less. It amazing how a one way conversation with your dad can make you feel better. A piece of me wants to think that he is hearing me and that if I'm asking him for help or support he's giving it. I think I get comfort in knowing that maybe not physically right by my side I know he's there or at least he is always listening to me, and some days that's just what I need.

Only a memory

Came across a post today talking about our trip to Disney 2 years ago. Laurens First trip to Disney. Little did we know it would be the last trip ever with my dad. He loved Disney and I'm so happy he experienced Laurens First time riding rides meeting princess's and everything else. Its hard to say that we will never capture those memories again with him. But I will for sure hold the memories we have within my heart's our hearts forever.

Broken. . .

BROKEN: trying to pick up the pieces and put them back where they once were. I'm struggling to even find the pieces and some are just not fitting back to where they once were. I don't know why but I'm broken. Put yourself together I tell myself but I just cant or wait when I think that the last piece will fix me I realize I'm more broken than I was before.

I was scared

So when you lose a parent you grip even more tightly to the one you have left. Or well that's how it feels for me. I talk with my mom every night and when she has the day off its more like 3 to 5 times a day. We have always been close even when my dad was alive. Well the other day, I felt indeed fear, I never heard from my mom and that is so unlike her, I called my brothers home thinking maybe she was watching his kids no answer sent him.a text it went un answered . So I stopped in. I was scared to death to turn the key to the locked door and cautiously looked around to see if anything was out of place or felt interrupted. Then I feared walking the hall to the bedroom, fear I would find her dead, (blunt yes but the fear was real) nothing. My girls hugged the kitchen walls of the house as I looked around the fear was so real for them too. I left just as I get a text from my brother stating he had her and they were shopping. My mom called me later on that day and I told her she needs to give me a heads up. I was worried. She apologized but I guess I don't want her to feel like I'm babysitting but ilyet I need her to understand in which I think she does. But I was scared terrified really.

The last time. . . .

I pass the place. The white building with the tarred lot, with a small white overhang roof and the just plain look of a building where sadness comes to gather. I drive by this building at least 3 times a week. I glance over and sometimes there are cars and then sometimes it's just empty looking. I suddenly get the image of you there. The image of you laying so peacefully surrounded with photos, memories and above all love. This was the place, the last place I got to see you I spoke but you could not speak back, I cried over you but you could not wipe my tears. I laughed about memories but that was all I had you could not share another story and laugh along.
I remember we could not bring you to your final resting place cause mother nature packed us with a huge snowfall that winter so we waited for spring. When I would have one of those days I would drive by just to feel close to you, just to feel like I could hear you tell me it was ok or that you loved me. It's strange how when I now see the building how much floods into my mind and heart.

Loneliness. . .

Loneliness. . . I find myself drifting to that part of my life at times. I maybe surrounded by people but I feel alone. I find myself eating dinner with my girls but feel completely alone as my thoughts wander to you dad. A favorite place you dined or a favorite food. The room almost is silent and at a stand still and I feel such Loneliness.
Is this still a part of grief. Is this a phase of missing you. I don't know but it's an awful place to be. I don't want to be lonely. I want to be alive and myself but as of late I can't be. It's funny how no one asks if I'm ok, almost like they figure I have gotten over your loss I guess I do one hell of a job keeping it all in. But ya know that makes me feel lonely.
I guess as I write this I need to let my built up emotions out my missing you, sheading tears.
Another phase Loneliness another lesson of grief, another huddle to jump, but I guess the only person who can make it go away is myself.

Sometimes its too much to bear. . . .

Sometimes its too much to bear. Sometimes I find myself caught in the thought of wanting my dad, sometimes I relive a moment that I wish I could go back too. Sometimes I wish January 4th never existed. Sometimes there is a time where I just cant get out of my own way of dealing with grief. Sometimes I have too many days like this.
Today seems to be that kind of day, the day where you log into facebook and all that seems to appear are the tearful videos about life and the unexpected, sometimes there are those wedding videos that you know just what is going to happen but you watch it anyway and end up in a puddle of tears. As I watched this video of a bride who had lost her dad just months before her wedding take the father daughter dance with brothers and her new father in law. The pain in her tears I could see and feel, the thought of not having that moment with her dad I cant relate to that as I got to enjoy the tearful father daughter dance with my dad, but yet it was amazing to watch this with full blown tears but yet relive my dance wanting to just hold him and hug him one last time. I remember crying with him as he lead me across the dance floor, I remember him telling me he loved me, I remember looking around and thinking it was just him and I. I wish I could just one time dance this dance with him again, I have the photos and the memories but sometimes its too much to bear. . .

The Colors

I was approached by a gentleman whom was part of the Vietnam group, at the parade I helped organize this past weekend. He asked me "Where would you like the colors" the two other people looked at everyone. I knew exactly what they were thinking, but I knew exactly what he meant. The colors....... the flags of our country those are "the colors" Of course they lead the parade as they should had carrying our "colors" with such pride and dignity.
As a little girl I can recall numerous parades where we would ride throughout the town on top of fire trucks, with the colors decorating the firetrucks. My dad volunteered as a firefighters from when I can remember as a little girl till the day he left this earth.
I would watch my dad at parades remove his hat respecting the flag, when attending a sporting event saying the national anthem. I learned from.him to respect the colors that he so proudly protected as his years in the service. Our house growing up was adorned with an American flag.
And his final.resting place is marked with the colors. It's amazing to think something so simple made a huge impact on my life and I had the knowledge of knowing that the colors are in deed the leader of the parade. Thanks Dad for instilling your love of the colors to me.

4th of July Memories

It's the 4th of July. One your favorite holidays. I mean dad come on food everything you could want and more, conversation, jokes, laughter and just a good time. It's funny dad as I was getting things ready for the cook out I stopped and thought man these won't be as good as dad's (referring to the deviled eggs) or ya know sometimes as I was  making something I got a huge pit in my stomach knowing you won't ever eat it again with us. Jesus dad that sucks. It hurts so bad knowing im.having your favorite things and your not here to share them with. You were such a food contasure, you mastered everything you made and I miss your special touch of making anything just so. Not only do I miss your food but also your arsenal of fireworks you would get every year. I think our firework displays were better than Portlands. Since when I was a little girl I can remember the firework shows we would have at home at the big 4th party, the firecrackers tied to the telephone pole, the huge bomb things. The memories are there and so vivid in my mind but it sure does not help my heartache of missing you. I hope the firecrackers are going off and when I light up the sky with a few fireworks they will be for you Dad. I love you and I miss you so much.

The little things. . make it harder

Another year of dance is over. I missed how my dad would always step up and be in charge of tickets, I missed how he would pace the back of the auditorium and when his grand daughters took the stage he would smile and tears would build up in his eyes. I found myself looking around and just wishing I would see him. I know he was there in spirit but I'm going to say it's not the same, I waited to hear what he thought of his grandaughter Lauren so confident on stage a real leader and Amber with her pointe her first pointe number with grace and elegance  Dam it I hate having these moments without him
 It will never get easy I'm still going to want to see him there I'm still gonna want him being the ticket man, I'm still gonna want to see him hug his grandaughters with tears in his eyes telling he them he's proud I still want it I want it back every little detail.

Memorial Day

A new flag waves in the breeze which symbolizes the service you gave to our country. It's Memorial day. . . . To me everyday is memorial day. I think of you everyday sometimes what seems like every minute. I get what Memorial day means but I guess I think it should be something we honor each day. It's sad to look around the cemetery now and see emptiness. Angels would adorne the headstones, rows of memories left by loved ones but no more. Our gifts we left for you gone. Not allowed. The girls are devestated to think they can't bring you things they find that remind them of you.
We decided to make our own memorial garden at home so the girls can keep things there for you. I want them to continue to heal and feel your love.

Just thinking. . .

Just thinking. . .Dad I love you and I miss you. Dad I hope your proud of me, Dad Lauren has Kindergarten reg tomorrow. Dad I sealed some chicken I got on sale I think the last time I used the sealer you were here helping me. Dad I just want you to know I miss your laughter, Das I miss your smile and Dad I miss your raised voice conversations. I'm just thinking of you tonight and like I do everyday day.

Feeling Humbled

Tonight I was asked to attend The Southern Maine Hospice "Circle of Caring" donor appreciation night. I went to take photos but left with something way more than a camera of images.
The photos I took of a family at the Gosnell House back in January would be the presentation tonight. "Hanks Story" as the video played and the images of love, one by one were shown, I was in tears. Something so simple as a photograph sure speaks volumes. It told a story a story of a family, a story of a building that is not just for going to die at but so much more. A building that people give themselves of with compassion, care and love and respect. A staff that truly sees people as individuals and as one of their own even for only a short time.  As I stood there watching through the tears in my eyes I smiled at the site of knowing I did something good, I took a single moment and made it a memory. Just like those memories I have of my dad and photographs of us together. I know as I write this he would be so proud of me for doing something so selfless. It's amazing how many lives I touched with one single act of kindness.

Bittersweet day. . .

Today we went through the camper that my parents traveled the United States in and also where my family enjoyed camping in it to either in it or with them in our own camper. It has been tucked away for several years just parked off the driveway, the mice had called it home for awhile but while we went through it tossing out things not salvageable we found many things that sparked a memory and some good laughs. While a piece of me wishes it was in better condition, to keep I knew it was just not feasible and maybe one day we can enjoy new adventures in something similar. The camper maybe gone but not the memories. By the way dad that fleece you won that you said I could not have well I found it and guess what I have it now.

needing him the most

Grief is a funny thing, the stages of grief yeah those are bullshit, cause I can tell you I have been all over the place with my struggle of losing my dad. It's amazing to see the amount of worry and fear that I now have put on myself. Why? No idea. I'm so missing him so much. I mean I miss him everyday but sometimes it's just so much. I feel like I need him the most now that he's gone. I want him to listen to me, hear my stories, agree with my complaints, I just need him. Ya know sure I can talk to him in my thoughts and heck even out loud but it's not even close to being the same. I find myself in a hole I can't crawl out of, needing him to just be here. But I can't have him here and it sucks. I know I will continue to have the days where I need him like today but I can't so I cry and that's all I can do.

I learned it from my daddy!

An incident happened involving my 5 year old and a purse she brought with her containing a valuable to the circus well it was left there, of course discovered after we had gotten home. I called and nothing turned up in lost and found. I was so angry so very angry at the world so angry that good people just don't exist anymore or just are so few and far between. Well I was not going to give up I called was persistent on my feelings and even after driving an hour to search ourselves we were told we could not look, once again I was persistent and made more phone calls trying to get to the root of where it could had gone. Well it paid off it was turned in two days later to the office from an employee of the clean up crew. Funny how I had made a phone call to that manager this am about it. See I was not giving up. Persistence paid off my dad was the same way he never just let things go, never just walked away or took no as the answer I'm so proud to say that I learned my persistence from him cause after this episode it paid off. Thank you dad for your lessons of being persistent. I hope your smiling down on me proud of a lesson you taught me.

if only. . . .it was that easy

While standing in my parents kitchen tonight talking and listening to the girls share stories of their day, I had a feeling well more of a thought a thought of how I wish we were just standing there and just hoping my dad would walk through the door, or I peer in the living room to see him sitting in his chair. My mind started to race and weird thoughts overcome me what if he was at a meeting, what if he had just gone outside he for sure would be right back in joining in on the girls stories and laughter. It was a weird thought process. I wanted to cry out and say how can this be real how can he just not be here. Man it hurt me I miss him so much. This is our life the life without him in it the life without "Dad", "Grampa", "Husband" it's just strange how it's been 1 year and 3mo and a piece of me wants to not believe it.

On the surface

I was just thinking today it's only been a year, you have been gone only a year. Why does it feel longer some days. I found myself today as I cleaned around my house the thought of we should do this or that and remembering in the back of my mind last time dad was here or wow that was just last year. I don't know why somedays it feels like yesterday and I relive the nightmare over and over again. I get into a funk or a depression, some may say,  where I just can't think nothing but scary things. I need to stop. I'm hoping the now warmer spring days will entice me and relax me. I'm missing him so much I don't want the things we did together to have a timeline of when you left us I want my memories to not bring anxiety and depression but happiness and love.

A day to be blessed

Today was a very special day. Matt and I became godparents to my brothers son, the only boy (grandchild) on the Brackett side of the family. We arrived at church in time for Mass well my little family my girls and Matt sat through an hour long service. I could not help but bring myself back to the days that I religiously no pun intended would attend the Baptist church in the town we lived every Sunday, for Sunday school and Church. My dad always made sure I got there and even if I was at a sleep over sure enough my dad would be there to get me that morning to bring me to church if not my Sunday school teacher Mrs Stanley would stop and get me. I looked around and listened and it sure made the memories of my days at church come to me. I asked myself why for so many years Why did he make me go and not my brothers or him and mom go,  but they did go sometimes butç not as often as I. Well I guess he needed to find a way to protect me his little girl from the wrongs in the world. He wanted to instill in me the good of God and the good of people. He wanted to be sure that I was a girl of faith and belief. It's amazing as I looked around today the church as full of many young and old families, some older folks by themselves praying. Some taking part in the mass and some just taking it all in. If the world was simple as it was when my dad would drive me to church and drop me off knowing that he was wanting me to be the young woman who would not be pushed down a wrong path, man how simple of a lesson to learn as a child surrounded by others whom would also learn that too. Today seemed like so much more to worry about, the world we live in the battles fought and lost and won and the temptations of life. I can after today be forever greatful that my dad did make me go to church no matter the fight I put up. He did it cause he wanted to mold me into a girl who I am today . Thank you Daddy for all I ever really needed to know or learn about myself I got from your lessons.

Sometimes all it takes is an image

This month has been one of my hardest, don't get me wrong lots of happy times and things to celebrate, but sometimes those times mean sad times cause I'm missing you. Sometimes it feels like everything happens problems after problems and it's getting ahead and then taking a hundred steps back, tonight after another one of those step backs on the way home I could see the pink hue in the skyline. As we got closer I was memorized by the colors, the shape, the beauty. I drove past taking every inch of this sight in, then turned the car around to snap some shots of this sight. It was beautiful. For a single moment as I stood on the side of the road starring up at this view, the world seemed calm, my stress, worries and string of bad luck just vanished. I felt it all disappear. My daughter honked the horn saying I was taking forever, but I wanted to just keep that image etched in my mind for it made me feel better. I'm glad I captured this the raw beauty that may had been just what I needed tonight. Thanks Dad for hearing me loud and clear.

A proud Grampa

Oh how my dad loved to watch Amber dance weather it was hanging at the Centre waiting for time to pass or just stopping in to well check on things, or traveling local or distance to watch her compete. Oh my Dad, this year you would had been beaming and crying. My sensitive dad who cried the moment her feet walked out on stage, or her medal was given or scholarship was won. Wow Dad you were one proud Grampa. Well this year she did not disappoint one bit. She danced with love and such raw emotion, and Lauren took the stage too oh how you would had bragged to your cronies about her stage appearance. Sitting in the audience just is not the same, I often find myself looking over my shoulder hoping to see you there, but I know it's just a thought a dream perhaps. Oh how proud you would be. People say oh he's watching and I don't doubt you are but I wish it was not from your front row seat in heaven but the front row seat in the auditorium. It's these moments where I miss you so much, the firsts that your missing or the 3rd and 4th it's all moments I wish you could see with us. I want to see your proud face and tears of pride. Cause you were always a proud grampa.

More than I can handle

Some days I'm strong, some days I don't stop and cry, some days I just go on. Well those some days are starting to be more few and far between. I don't know why. WHY does that day of losing you appear in my head as such a vivid image. WHY as of recent does my heart ache. WHY does my worry seem to be on OVERLOAD. I mean seriously I worry all the time. It sucks cause my good days are just seeming so few and far between. I so wish that this thing we call grief would just fade and my life of happiness and no worry would just be the norm. But for some reason lately it's not. Is it the weather the lack of sunshine on my face the feel of the fresh air in my lungs the signs of new life in Spring. I don't know I just wish it would come and stay longer than my overload of grief.

"There You'll Be"

I know you were there. . . I know you watched your beautiful grand daughter dance with such elegance, poise, and emotion. The song that she danced to was the song that she danced at your funeral too. There were so many emotions as I watched her and I kept thinking I hope dad / Grampa is watching with tears and pride as he always did when he watched her dance. For those who knew of this tribute to him they dried their eyes throughout her performance. Her emotion is so real and she told me after my dad her, Grampa passed away that she would always dance with him in her heart and I believe it. May he always dance beside her and lead her into the best possibilities, as she reaches her dream

Just one of those nights

One of those nights where it seems that the only thing on my mind is my dad, missing him. Not sure why tonight. I took out a photo just too see his smiling face, that grin the contagious smile that lit up his whole face. Man do I miss that. As I've said before it's a weird thing grief is. Presents itself at the most awkward times and sometimes for no reason. Tonight as I was getting my daughters things ready for the first dance competition of the season I felt sad cause my dad loved to watch his grand daughter dance and this year Lauren will begin competition man would he be elated. As I laid in bed I could not shut off my mind and thoughts of him just kept flooding my brain. I'm missing him. I'm struggling tonight to not be angry that he is gone, im struggling that I can't talk to him, I'm struggling that he won't be there to root on his grandaughters. I'm just sad. I'm sad that I have to miss my daddy, I'm sad that I can't lean on him to talk to I'm Just Sad. I miss you daddy I miss you so much.

Not everyone understands

The pain of losing someone is different I mean very different for everyone. We all suffer losses in our lives and some just impact our lives and individuals differently. A friend of mine whom I have known for several years, said to me tonight "I had a real moment this morning, I almost called you. I was like "what, why". She said "I was really missing my mom" her mom has been gone for 5 years and as I looked at her I knew exactly what she was saying. Those "moments" where you miss them so much the tears fall uncontrolled and your heart breaks even more. I told her she should had and she said she "knew I would understand" yes YES I would had. Her and I are a lot alike in the aspect of grief and loss. Emotional at a memory, a story, and even a song.Dance competitions are always filled with tears yes from watching the "dance family" dance but also from that song where the words just bring up emotions. Similar lives even though we are years apart and friends for just a few short years. We lost brothers in accidents unexpected. We share stories of angels or dreams of our loved ones whom seem like they are right there to reach out and hug and hold. She knew my dad actually they laughed a lot together and I know she sees how much I miss him and how much my girls miss him and of course my mom. She knows our pain and sorrow and she understands. I never met her mom or knew her but I have heard stories that she has shared with me, I can say that she sure raised a wonderful daughter full of love, life and energy and I know that she would be proud of her and the woman I'm so blessed to call a friend. She misses her mom and I want her to know that I understand her pain as I know she understands mine. Not everyone does as I said before, we all heal differently and yet sometimes our hearts remain broken and it's ok, you may not understand why I cry, when I cry and then laugh not everyone understands but yet there are people your lucky enough to have in your life that do. I found this wonderful quote that is perfect. But only certain people will understand and that's ok.

Still full of love

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my dad or wish he was here to talk to, hug, or laugh with. Some days it feels like every minute of the day I think of him. But I'm also remembering my gram to very often. The one grandparent I can really recall well from my childhood. Man that woman really helped me be the kind of woman I am today. Today while driving past her house, I pulled over and snapped a photo. The house that is empty with just bare walls and empty rooms, not shoveled or kept up is "Just Empty" well it maybe empty of all her favorite things, the rocking chair, the dusty trinkets of boxers that were carefully placed on a wall shelf, the things that I played with as a little girl that my daughters played with too when we visited. Well I looked at the house snapped the photo and first as a tear fell from my eye realized that it may not hold material things but it still holds LOVE, and lots of it. From family gatherings to, Christmas parties, cook outs and Birthday Celebrations. It holds so much love even in an empty home. The memories I have as a little girl drinking hot coco from her steaming hot tea kettle to her getting out her stash of boxes of chocolates.The no running water and the old fashioned washer, The laughter, the tears and the love yes above all the love. That's what it still holds the love. I don't know what will become of the house but I know that no matter what each, piece of love that made her house a home will forever be a memory to me and the family.

Along the way

A week ago I once again set out to prove to myself that anything is possible. I returned to the happiest place on earth Disney world and ran the Glass Slipper Challenge a 10k and a half marathon back to back 19.3 miles in two days. The 10k was just a fun pace that I took in the sights of epcot and the boardwalk, but Sunday a different thing all together. I knew I would be alone on this one, as the group of us divided up into our corrals I began to get my head in the game, prepare myself for the 13.1 miles that awaited my anxious feet and restless mind. Alone was what kept coming to mind no one to talk with or laugh with ALONE. As the corrals dismissed one by one I could feel my game face take over. I reached the sound of the countdown, the fireworks erupting overhead and off I went. I asked my dad to be with me on these 13.1 miles that would take me through places that just over two years ago we as a family made memories in. As nervous as I was about doing it alone I never felt alone. I was zoned in the entire time. Each mile, each memory of the fun we had as a family in Disney, with those memories of course cams tears but happy ones. I recall getting to mile 5.5  as I entered the magic kingdom and approached the castle I recall seeing my dad in tears as he saw his grandaughters come from the bippiti bopping boutique all in their princess attire, he beamed with pride and cried. I recall me talking to him a lot between miles 9 and 12 asking him to continue to give me energy and strength. With each mile passing saying "Dad I've got this Dad I do" I knew when I re entered Epcot I was in the home

stretch I could feel myself grabbing my heart necklace just wanting him with me the last steps to the finish line, and I know he was. As alone as I thought I would be I don't think I was. I know I had my dad beside me pushing me towards every mile.

A connection in my own way.

I can often be seen grabbing at the heart that hangs around my neck. I notice I hold it in my hand when I need to feel secure or supported, or when I get those I miss him moments. This heart I wear around my neck is a forever connection I have with my dad. I remember preparing for his services and the day that I would say goodbye to my daddy. I wanted something that I could have a forever piece or connection per-say with him.
 Yes we adorned  his casket (the Lincoln ) with photos, cards and letters but I searched for something special. Something him and I would always have. I remember putting out the call from friends and family asking for help with a necklace. My friend Lisa had me call in what I wanted and she made the arrangements to get it.
I wear a heart with a key hole with the words "Forever Daddy's Little Girl" etched on it. He wears around his neck a dog tag with a key that fits the heart on my necklace.
It's something knowing that he is wearing a piece of me and I a piece of him. Something that forever keeps us bonded. It's my good luck charm, my tear catcher, my heart of love knowing he's there. It's a piece of him. Whenever I need my daddy's love somehow rubbing it along my fingers I feel his love and presence. I've only had a few people ask me and I must say they are quite surprised to hear that my dad who passed away is wearing the key to it. You can see the shock but yet pure sympathy.
I wear it for me, I wear it to be connected, I wear it to feel my daddy's love, to feel safe.

Only got one parent left. . .

In a normal conversation with my husband about my mom, and how she called me four times in a 20 min span. He said "Don't complain you only have one parent left" while I know he meant no harm in thst phrase, it really made me think. Dam it, it's true I do. I only have my mom. Why on earth did I not look at my life growing up as you only have two parents. I mean think about it, would you had respected them more in your rebellious stage of adolescent, and not wait till you were out on your own to realize it. I can't feel guilty for I know that no matter the attitude I gave them as a girl the only girl in the family and the baby at that. I know they still loved me, the nights I went out and missed my curfew by minutes, they threaded to forbid me from going out again, why because they loved me and wanted to know I was safe. Every Sunday I would get driven by my dad or picked up by my Sunday school teacher while the brothers slept in why, because they wanted me to be guided and to grow up with strong morrals. It's too late now for the apologizes to my dad about my outburst of a teenager or the silent treatment I would give him for getting me early at a sleepover to bring me to church. I see it now that I only have one parent that I need to let go of the 4 phone calls in a 20 min period, or the can you pick me up this or bring me here. Because we are all she has now. She's my only parent and we are her only family.

The Fear

This has been on my mind a lot, well I think since the day my dad died. The fear of death. It's been on my mind a lot. I don't know why! Maybe it's a stage of grief? Maybe it's seeing it hit so close to many family and friends? Or maybe cause it scares the hell of me! I really don't know.
I don't want to think about it. I want to live till I'm 100. I want to not miss a thing ever. I don't know why the fear is just so there with me and why it weighs on me so.
I want to look back on my dad's life and think wow he lived a lot but wait no, he's missing a lot. What about those who's lives are cut so dam short like my brothers he did not get a chance to live his life, we are left asking the what if's. I need to get out of this fear, I need to hug my girls, kiss my husband and treasure my family and my friends. I need to stop focusing on the what if's and just live in the moment yeah, that's it live in the moment. Wait I wish it was that easy cause its not. Maybe there is a step by step program to get me there, maybe it's just all in my head! I really don't know. There is so much pain and hurt in the world nothing ever good on the news just more killing and terrorism. I hate that I hate having to think people live in fear some even in their own homes.
I guess I needed to get this out. I need to learn to breathe and worry less and think less. Yes that's it. Smile and Laugh more yes maybe that will help rear this ugly side I fear. Yes I will start there.

Your missing out.... wait no your not

Today was a very special day in our family, the arrival of a newborn boy. Michael and Jessica welcomed their first son, the first boy on this side of the family. I watched as Eric James entered this world. I could not help but think dad missed out, once again it's another first without you here. I remember with my girls, my dad waiting outside the room cracking jokes with the nurses as he awaited the arrival of his first grandchildren 20 plus later she arrived, his second grandchild he met her while introducing her to her older sister. In 2013 he was there to meet Michael's first daughter minutes after she was born and this time I guess he just looked on from above. It's amazing to be thinking about what would dad think moments, I know he would had been elated and overcome with emotion as he always was over every happy and sad moment too. We'll dad I knew you were there cause as we moved into the other room there was a cardinal figurine on the mantel shelf, I mean first thing I noticed as I walked in. I mean really seems so out of the ordinary but as soon as I saw it I knew you were there. I pointed it out to my mom and I knew she knew and I showed Jessica too. It's amazing the signs you leave us if we just take the time to see them. So Congratulations Dad on your new grandson!

I know the pain too well. .

Today we attended a funeral to pay respects to a man I had met on many occasions who had lost his battle with cancer and to show support to a family who are experiencing things that are all too farmilar.  Nothing can prepare you expected or not.
My emotions were not easy to tame for I knew too well the hurt, the pain, and the loneliness that they too would endure. Hugging them and telling them that I was sorry and that one day it will get easy was the best I could do. It will get easier but you will have bad days too, days that you feel like it's a struggle to just get out of bed and get going. As I sat through the Eastern Star service and Masonic service, It brought me back to my dad's service. I questioned if we were able to really capture who my dad really was, cause looking around tonight they captured a father, a grandfather, a man of service to the masonic families, and a patriots fan. A man loved by many! I listened hard to the words of the services and a smile appeared across my face, yes I think we did, we captured a man who loved his family as I can see the photographs adored in his final resting place, photographs on a slides how that showed his love of life, outgoing personality and endless smile when he was around those he loved and doing things with them. A fireman helmet that showed his love of his community and which meant that he gave of himself to help others, his lamb skin apron that he wore with great pride as he knew he would instill in his family the great lessons of the order, and people, people who loved him and people who wanted us to know they cared. It's amazing how someone else's death can bring you right back to a moment a moment of fear and grief because you know all too well the changes in their lives and the pain they too will endure. I pray for them all I pray that they remember him for what he was to them and the memories that they can smile and recall for a lifetime.

It made my heart smile. . . .

So I received a phone call from one of my photography clients asking if I could take photos of a family that are currently at Hospice, my heart sank as you can imagine, she explained to me that the father was ill and they had not had photos since their daughter was born and she was 2. I did not hesitate and I said yes. I did not ask detail I just said you tell me when and I can be there.
The next morning I headed into the Hospice House and was given a tour, it did not feel like a hospital more of a home, I was introduced to the family and the mom thanked me so many times, the father was in great spirits and I was able to capture some really nice moments with them all.
I was surprised at how well I held it together I did my best to prepare myself for the worst. But it was ok, I was ok. I rushed home edited the photos and delivered them back to them that afternoon, I learned that Hospice is typically where you go to die so I did not want to wait a single minute more.
The staff was elated with what I did for the family today.
To me it was not even a decision I wanted to do it, I wanted to provide that family something that they could have forever, a memory, an image, a smile, a kiss, a hand hold, all those moments that will for sure bring tears but will make them smile.
My dad had a big heart too, he gave of his time and energy and even his wallet. I want to say that I got my big heart from him, so Thank you Dad, Thank you for being with me today, helping me get through it and smiling right along with me. I hope I made you proud today, cause I know I was proud that I did something you would had so cried right along with me about.

Are you together

When I was 15 years old my oldest brother Chris who was 19 was killed in a car accident, today would mark 26 years since his life was taken way to soon. I recall that night well more like early morning like it was yesterday.
I was at my best friends house and her mom woke me up told me I had to get my stuff together my dad was coming to get me. That was it that was all she said. I had no idea what was wrong. My dad was their within minutes and I asked him is it mom is she ok, he said no and said it's Chris he was killed in a car accident. Pure and udder shock. I walked into a house surrounded with family crying and holding onto one another. A nightmare is what it was. It amazing how much you think of someone when they are gone. I have his letters he wrote me when he served in the army. I love to read them. I remember his outgoing attitude his wanting to be the life of the party, his humor and such. Well now I think today as I miss him and remember today, is he together with Dad. Is he getting caught up on all that he missed, are they laughing and crying together. Is Dad telling him everything. I hope so I want to believe that he is, that they are happy and reunited.

We know your here

Today we celebrated my youngest 5th birthday, wow I can't even believe it's been 5 years since our family welcomed this beautiful girl into the world, and just like my dad did with his first grandaughter taking a look at her and immediately comparing her to me when I was born. Lauren sure has a spark of love in her, every one that meets her loves her but it's pretty much the same with both my girls, man how Lauren always made her grampa LAUGH ALWAYS. One day he asked her if her butt was broken, "no" she said his reply was "well why is it cracked" it was quite the joke between the two of  them. While on the way to the bus to drop off my oldest Lauren out of the blue said "Grampa" both Amber and I asked her what and she quickly denied what she said , I then asked again and she said no I said it's ok if you were talking to or about grampa she said ok I did I said it just means your thinking of him and he's thinking of you. Well I got a message from Mariel my girls dance teacher saying "Ted was here on Laurens birthday" she sent me a photo of a penny and a piece if birthday confetti that just happen to sweep up while cleaning the studio.
(Mind you the confetti was from a b day party in August and the penny was 2014 and it was a shiny brand new one) Mariel was in awe cause the girls are always saying how grampa leaves them pennies all the time. So dad we got your birthday message to Lauren today. Thank you for remembering her today.

The day my heart broke 1 year ago

It's hard to believe that 1 year ago today the phone call that would for sure change my life and break my heart happened! It's about that time too! I'm trying to close my eyes and go to sleep but your on my mind, not that it is anything new now. I don't want to relive that day but I can't help it. It's still so real and it's like a nightmare I can't get away from the dreaded words, from my mom on the other end of the phone "dad died" I'm not going to get into detail, I'm not going to relive it here on my blog I relive it all to often in my head. I still ask the Why's and the How's and still no answers! I must move on doing what I do, being a wife, mother, taxi driver and cook. I must still be that daughter to not my parents but to a parent. It has not gotten easier I guess I just learn to deal, do I struggle some days oh yes I do, I find myself sitting and just thinking of you and before I know it hours have gone by I guess that's what they call depression. I have for sure had my year of ups and downs the I wish my dad was here moments or this would had never happened moments or the I just need my daddy moments. It's amazing how much you need someone when they are no longer there! I try my best to keep you alive in my home. We talk about you, tell stories about you, laugh and cry about you. I'm sure your watching over us and I hope that your grandaughters that made you laugh your biggest belly laugh still do that and cry those big tears cause well your heart had a soft spot for them. I want your memory and spirt kept alive within us all, your legacy and the person you are will for sure be a part of each of us! It's amazing dad that your still talked about so much even 1 year later by people I just meet that knew you or well that dance family that you were such a huge part of or ya know those people who are friends but you always welcomed as family. It's amazing the impact you made in 70 years. I'm proud to call you my daddy, I'm proud to have your smile (ya know I get that comment a lot) I'm proud to have your humor and I'm proud that I'm often compared to you. I loved you then and I love you more now! You will always be the first man I ever loved and I will be Forever Daddy's Little Girl!