Healing. . .

Ok, I have been thinking a lot since my post a couple days ago. I have been thinking I need to begin to heal, not just keep saying why, and blamming the world or just life in general. I have been shut off for the past few weeks. BAD, so bad that when people saw me they could see I was hurting. I want that fun, loving, crazy, fun to be around person back, yes the Real Me back. I have some wonderful traits that I got from my Dad, his kind heart, his giving ways, his sense of humor, his outgoing way of life and yet his who gives a shit attitude (not always a good thing) Well where I'm going with this is well, my traits that I cherish the ones that make me the person I am and the ones my dad passed to me I need them back. He would not be happy that I had or was losing sight of these and the person I am.
My husband said to me, maybe you need to start running again. My first thought was hmm I guess I mean I had been thinking about it.
I began training for my first half wait what am I saying my first ever race ever after a friend of mine ran her first one, she inspired me I trained in 2013. My dad would ask me about it, and I knew he was eager to have me complete it, even after a major sciatic injury put me out of commision but, I did not give up, and when I ran it , it was 1 month after I lost my dad. I ran that dam race with him right by my side, I thought of him every mile, and at the end I so recall looking up to the sky raising my hands and crying saying I did it I did it Dad. I ran that 100% for him.
There was something about that day I finished, I was not fast hell by no means fast at all a snail's pace rather but I did it. The following year I challenged myself and did the challenge a 10k and then the 1/2 earning three medals and a huge PR.
Well I'm ready I'm ready to challenge myself and setting a goal in 2017 to run Tinkerbell in California and Wine and Dine in Florida gets me a coast to coast a huge achievent so yes let the healing begin, with my mind and my body. Running as much as I don't consider myself one may just be what I need to begin to heal. And. . . I know I will always have my dad right by me pushing me every step of the way who knows a marathon could be in the far future, OK let's take this one healing mile at a time.

Sometimes you need advice. . .

I recently had someone ask me how I was doing, and he referred to my blog asking if It was helping, more on that later. I immediately told him I would share it with him, I have been at this blog writing thing for over a year, but have always loved writing since I was a teenager in school.
Ok now back to the question above "is it helping" I guess in different ways it is. It gives me a place to vent, I can put my feelings down and no one can judge me, my feelings spill out through my fingers as I type and the words just flow right to the keyboard. So if I had to answer it yes, it helps me get it out of my head and heart and out there.
I asked him " what did you think," "wow, you have a lot going on a lot built up, but that I have a great way of writing," "I think you now need to learn to cope," that was his advice. So since our conversation I've been thinking about that. C O P E
How does one do that, I have been thinking maybe I need to break down the meaning of coping

cope¹

kōp/

verb

1. (of a person) deal effectively with something difficult.

   "his ability to cope with stress"

   synonyms:

   manage, survive, subsist, look after oneself, fend for oneself, carry on, get by/through, bear up, hold one's own,keep one's end up, keep one's head above water;  informalmake it, hack it "she couldn't cope on her own" deal with, handle, manage, address,face (up to), confront, tackle, come to grips with, get through, weather, come to terms with "his inability to cope with the situation"

Deal effectively with something difficult. Ok losing someone is difficult I can admit to that, dealing with that, OK that's step one dealing with it. So that is where I will begin, dealing with it. But cope just seems like a mask, something to cover just to move on, are you truly really over it no,you just cope so you can live your life. So how is that supose to help me. Maybe I need to H E A L yes that's better H E A L I N G. So let me process that and then it shall begin

Two years and the nightmare returned

Two years ago today, there was this nightmare that I lost my dad, since then I've realized it was indeed a nightmare just one I could not wake up from.
The pain of losing my dad is still very real, it hurts as much as that day that I relive so many times in my mind. I've realized that grief which is defined as: a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.
Grief is an ugly thing, its like a rollercoaster that you can't get off, you can have great days, weeks, and months then when it comes back, you fall into this hole that starts you back at square one. Sometimes grief can tear you down, it can keep you from the person you use to be, it can cause more harm than good and in times feels like its totally out of your control.
I need to try and get myself away from it, it causes deep depression, fears that I had never thought about become anxiety. Sometimes my life is crumbling around me and I'm the only one who can pull myself from the mess.
People heal in different ways, and just when I feel like I'm beginning to heal something triggers me and I'm back battling the beast. I need to focus on good and hopefully that will weight out the evil of grief. One step at a time.

The hated month is here.

J A N U A R Y is here. .for many its a time to start fresh with new years resolutions, for me its a month of heartache endured and rearing its ugly face again. It began when I was 15 and my brother was killed in an automobile accident a nightmare that I wished I could had woken up from nope it was reality a shattered family, a life gone way too soon, my older brother my protecter my example gone.
Then just 3 years ago, my grandmother, my wonderful gram, my 2nd mom, the one who I could tell anything too, whom was so young at heart, so carefree, so full of life, so proud of me and so proud of her family. She was 90 getting more frail and hating that she could not be the independent self she was for so many years, when it was her time she never looked back. I miss her, I loved visiting with her and so did my girls. I hope she is smiling upon them from above.
Then in just 3 days it will mark two years of the unexpected passing of my dad. I can hear my mom on the other end of the phone, I can recall making the dreaded phone call to my brother, I can recall sitting in my bed in complete and utter shock, no tears, no emotion, just shock. I recall it like it was yesterday. My heart breaking as it did that very day.
The emotions that it triggers are so beyond my control, I hate the world around me, I hate the people who have their dads still. I just hate the earth. I wish I could look at it differently but I can't I'm hurt, I'm broken, I'm scarred, I'm scared. If I could take this month off the calendar and what it represents not new beginninga, not resolutions it represents heartache. I can only hope to make it through the days ahead with just memories that will not all cause tears, and just maybe a smile. I can hope.