Your missing out.... wait no your not

Today was a very special day in our family, the arrival of a newborn boy. Michael and Jessica welcomed their first son, the first boy on this side of the family. I watched as Eric James entered this world. I could not help but think dad missed out, once again it's another first without you here. I remember with my girls, my dad waiting outside the room cracking jokes with the nurses as he awaited the arrival of his first grandchildren 20 plus later she arrived, his second grandchild he met her while introducing her to her older sister. In 2013 he was there to meet Michael's first daughter minutes after she was born and this time I guess he just looked on from above. It's amazing to be thinking about what would dad think moments, I know he would had been elated and overcome with emotion as he always was over every happy and sad moment too. We'll dad I knew you were there cause as we moved into the other room there was a cardinal figurine on the mantel shelf, I mean first thing I noticed as I walked in. I mean really seems so out of the ordinary but as soon as I saw it I knew you were there. I pointed it out to my mom and I knew she knew and I showed Jessica too. It's amazing the signs you leave us if we just take the time to see them. So Congratulations Dad on your new grandson!

I know the pain too well. .

Today we attended a funeral to pay respects to a man I had met on many occasions who had lost his battle with cancer and to show support to a family who are experiencing things that are all too farmilar.  Nothing can prepare you expected or not.
My emotions were not easy to tame for I knew too well the hurt, the pain, and the loneliness that they too would endure. Hugging them and telling them that I was sorry and that one day it will get easy was the best I could do. It will get easier but you will have bad days too, days that you feel like it's a struggle to just get out of bed and get going. As I sat through the Eastern Star service and Masonic service, It brought me back to my dad's service. I questioned if we were able to really capture who my dad really was, cause looking around tonight they captured a father, a grandfather, a man of service to the masonic families, and a patriots fan. A man loved by many! I listened hard to the words of the services and a smile appeared across my face, yes I think we did, we captured a man who loved his family as I can see the photographs adored in his final resting place, photographs on a slides how that showed his love of life, outgoing personality and endless smile when he was around those he loved and doing things with them. A fireman helmet that showed his love of his community and which meant that he gave of himself to help others, his lamb skin apron that he wore with great pride as he knew he would instill in his family the great lessons of the order, and people, people who loved him and people who wanted us to know they cared. It's amazing how someone else's death can bring you right back to a moment a moment of fear and grief because you know all too well the changes in their lives and the pain they too will endure. I pray for them all I pray that they remember him for what he was to them and the memories that they can smile and recall for a lifetime.

It made my heart smile. . . .

So I received a phone call from one of my photography clients asking if I could take photos of a family that are currently at Hospice, my heart sank as you can imagine, she explained to me that the father was ill and they had not had photos since their daughter was born and she was 2. I did not hesitate and I said yes. I did not ask detail I just said you tell me when and I can be there.
The next morning I headed into the Hospice House and was given a tour, it did not feel like a hospital more of a home, I was introduced to the family and the mom thanked me so many times, the father was in great spirits and I was able to capture some really nice moments with them all.
I was surprised at how well I held it together I did my best to prepare myself for the worst. But it was ok, I was ok. I rushed home edited the photos and delivered them back to them that afternoon, I learned that Hospice is typically where you go to die so I did not want to wait a single minute more.
The staff was elated with what I did for the family today.
To me it was not even a decision I wanted to do it, I wanted to provide that family something that they could have forever, a memory, an image, a smile, a kiss, a hand hold, all those moments that will for sure bring tears but will make them smile.
My dad had a big heart too, he gave of his time and energy and even his wallet. I want to say that I got my big heart from him, so Thank you Dad, Thank you for being with me today, helping me get through it and smiling right along with me. I hope I made you proud today, cause I know I was proud that I did something you would had so cried right along with me about.

Are you together

When I was 15 years old my oldest brother Chris who was 19 was killed in a car accident, today would mark 26 years since his life was taken way to soon. I recall that night well more like early morning like it was yesterday.
I was at my best friends house and her mom woke me up told me I had to get my stuff together my dad was coming to get me. That was it that was all she said. I had no idea what was wrong. My dad was their within minutes and I asked him is it mom is she ok, he said no and said it's Chris he was killed in a car accident. Pure and udder shock. I walked into a house surrounded with family crying and holding onto one another. A nightmare is what it was. It amazing how much you think of someone when they are gone. I have his letters he wrote me when he served in the army. I love to read them. I remember his outgoing attitude his wanting to be the life of the party, his humor and such. Well now I think today as I miss him and remember today, is he together with Dad. Is he getting caught up on all that he missed, are they laughing and crying together. Is Dad telling him everything. I hope so I want to believe that he is, that they are happy and reunited.

We know your here

Today we celebrated my youngest 5th birthday, wow I can't even believe it's been 5 years since our family welcomed this beautiful girl into the world, and just like my dad did with his first grandaughter taking a look at her and immediately comparing her to me when I was born. Lauren sure has a spark of love in her, every one that meets her loves her but it's pretty much the same with both my girls, man how Lauren always made her grampa LAUGH ALWAYS. One day he asked her if her butt was broken, "no" she said his reply was "well why is it cracked" it was quite the joke between the two of  them. While on the way to the bus to drop off my oldest Lauren out of the blue said "Grampa" both Amber and I asked her what and she quickly denied what she said , I then asked again and she said no I said it's ok if you were talking to or about grampa she said ok I did I said it just means your thinking of him and he's thinking of you. Well I got a message from Mariel my girls dance teacher saying "Ted was here on Laurens birthday" she sent me a photo of a penny and a piece if birthday confetti that just happen to sweep up while cleaning the studio.
(Mind you the confetti was from a b day party in August and the penny was 2014 and it was a shiny brand new one) Mariel was in awe cause the girls are always saying how grampa leaves them pennies all the time. So dad we got your birthday message to Lauren today. Thank you for remembering her today.

The day my heart broke 1 year ago

It's hard to believe that 1 year ago today the phone call that would for sure change my life and break my heart happened! It's about that time too! I'm trying to close my eyes and go to sleep but your on my mind, not that it is anything new now. I don't want to relive that day but I can't help it. It's still so real and it's like a nightmare I can't get away from the dreaded words, from my mom on the other end of the phone "dad died" I'm not going to get into detail, I'm not going to relive it here on my blog I relive it all to often in my head. I still ask the Why's and the How's and still no answers! I must move on doing what I do, being a wife, mother, taxi driver and cook. I must still be that daughter to not my parents but to a parent. It has not gotten easier I guess I just learn to deal, do I struggle some days oh yes I do, I find myself sitting and just thinking of you and before I know it hours have gone by I guess that's what they call depression. I have for sure had my year of ups and downs the I wish my dad was here moments or this would had never happened moments or the I just need my daddy moments. It's amazing how much you need someone when they are no longer there! I try my best to keep you alive in my home. We talk about you, tell stories about you, laugh and cry about you. I'm sure your watching over us and I hope that your grandaughters that made you laugh your biggest belly laugh still do that and cry those big tears cause well your heart had a soft spot for them. I want your memory and spirt kept alive within us all, your legacy and the person you are will for sure be a part of each of us! It's amazing dad that your still talked about so much even 1 year later by people I just meet that knew you or well that dance family that you were such a huge part of or ya know those people who are friends but you always welcomed as family. It's amazing the impact you made in 70 years. I'm proud to call you my daddy, I'm proud to have your smile (ya know I get that comment a lot) I'm proud to have your humor and I'm proud that I'm often compared to you. I loved you then and I love you more now! You will always be the first man I ever loved and I will be Forever Daddy's Little Girl!