Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Sometimes all it takes is an image

This month has been one of my hardest, don't get me wrong lots of happy times and things to celebrate, but sometimes those times mean sad times cause I'm missing you. Sometimes it feels like everything happens problems after problems and it's getting ahead and then taking a hundred steps back, tonight after another one of those step backs on the way home I could see the pink hue in the skyline. As we got closer I was memorized by the colors, the shape, the beauty. I drove past taking every inch of this sight in, then turned the car around to snap some shots of this sight. It was beautiful. For a single moment as I stood on the side of the road starring up at this view, the world seemed calm, my stress, worries and string of bad luck just vanished. I felt it all disappear. My daughter honked the horn saying I was taking forever, but I wanted to just keep that image etched in my mind for it made me feel better. I'm glad I captured this the raw beauty that may had been just what I needed tonight. Thanks Dad for hearing me loud and clear.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

A proud Grampa

Oh how my dad loved to watch Amber dance weather it was hanging at the Centre waiting for time to pass or just stopping in to well check on things, or traveling local or distance to watch her compete. Oh my Dad, this year you would had been beaming and crying. My sensitive dad who cried the moment her feet walked out on stage, or her medal was given or scholarship was won. Wow Dad you were one proud Grampa. Well this year she did not disappoint one bit. She danced with love and such raw emotion, and Lauren took the stage too oh how you would had bragged to your cronies about her stage appearance. Sitting in the audience just is not the same, I often find myself looking over my shoulder hoping to see you there, but I know it's just a thought a dream perhaps. Oh how proud you would be. People say oh he's watching and I don't doubt you are but I wish it was not from your front row seat in heaven but the front row seat in the auditorium. It's these moments where I miss you so much, the firsts that your missing or the 3rd and 4th it's all moments I wish you could see with us. I want to see your proud face and tears of pride. Cause you were always a proud grampa.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

More than I can handle

Some days I'm strong, some days I don't stop and cry, some days I just go on. Well those some days are starting to be more few and far between. I don't know why. WHY does that day of losing you appear in my head as such a vivid image. WHY as of recent does my heart ache. WHY does my worry seem to be on OVERLOAD. I mean seriously I worry all the time. It sucks cause my good days are just seeming so few and far between. I so wish that this thing we call grief would just fade and my life of happiness and no worry would just be the norm. But for some reason lately it's not. Is it the weather the lack of sunshine on my face the feel of the fresh air in my lungs the signs of new life in Spring. I don't know I just wish it would come and stay longer than my overload of grief.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

"There You'll Be"

I know you were there. . . I know you watched your beautiful grand daughter dance with such elegance, poise, and emotion. The song that she danced to was the song that she danced at your funeral too. There were so many emotions as I watched her and I kept thinking I hope dad / Grampa is watching with tears and pride as he always did when he watched her dance. For those who knew of this tribute to him they dried their eyes throughout her performance. Her emotion is so real and she told me after my dad her, Grampa passed away that she would always dance with him in her heart and I believe it. May he always dance beside her and lead her into the best possibilities, as she reaches her dream

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Just one of those nights

One of those nights where it seems that the only thing on my mind is my dad, missing him. Not sure why tonight. I took out a photo just too see his smiling face, that grin the contagious smile that lit up his whole face. Man do I miss that. As I've said before it's a weird thing grief is. Presents itself at the most awkward times and sometimes for no reason. Tonight as I was getting my daughters things ready for the first dance competition of the season I felt sad cause my dad loved to watch his grand daughter dance and this year Lauren will begin competition man would he be elated. As I laid in bed I could not shut off my mind and thoughts of him just kept flooding my brain. I'm missing him. I'm struggling tonight to not be angry that he is gone, im struggling that I can't talk to him, I'm struggling that he won't be there to root on his grandaughters. I'm just sad. I'm sad that I have to miss my daddy, I'm sad that I can't lean on him to talk to I'm Just Sad. I miss you daddy I miss you so much.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Not everyone understands

The pain of losing someone is different I mean very different for everyone. We all suffer losses in our lives and some just impact our lives and individuals differently. A friend of mine whom I have known for several years, said to me tonight "I had a real moment this morning, I almost called you. I was like "what, why". She said "I was really missing my mom" her mom has been gone for 5 years and as I looked at her I knew exactly what she was saying. Those "moments" where you miss them so much the tears fall uncontrolled and your heart breaks even more. I told her she should had and she said she "knew I would understand" yes YES I would had. Her and I are a lot alike in the aspect of grief and loss. Emotional at a memory, a story, and even a song.Dance competitions are always filled with tears yes from watching the "dance family" dance but also from that song where the words just bring up emotions. Similar lives even though we are years apart and friends for just a few short years. We lost brothers in accidents unexpected. We share stories of angels or dreams of our loved ones whom seem like they are right there to reach out and hug and hold. She knew my dad actually they laughed a lot together and I know she sees how much I miss him and how much my girls miss him and of course my mom. She knows our pain and sorrow and she understands. I never met her mom or knew her but I have heard stories that she has shared with me, I can say that she sure raised a wonderful daughter full of love, life and energy and I know that she would be proud of her and the woman I'm so blessed to call a friend. She misses her mom and I want her to know that I understand her pain as I know she understands mine. Not everyone does as I said before, we all heal differently and yet sometimes our hearts remain broken and it's ok, you may not understand why I cry, when I cry and then laugh not everyone understands but yet there are people your lucky enough to have in your life that do. I found this wonderful quote that is perfect. But only certain people will understand and that's ok.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Still full of love

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my dad or wish he was here to talk to, hug, or laugh with. Some days it feels like every minute of the day I think of him. But I'm also remembering my gram to very often. The one grandparent I can really recall well from my childhood. Man that woman really helped me be the kind of woman I am today. Today while driving past her house, I pulled over and snapped a photo. The house that is empty with just bare walls and empty rooms, not shoveled or kept up is "Just Empty" well it maybe empty of all her favorite things, the rocking chair, the dusty trinkets of boxers that were carefully placed on a wall shelf, the things that I played with as a little girl that my daughters played with too when we visited. Well I looked at the house snapped the photo and first as a tear fell from my eye realized that it may not hold material things but it still holds LOVE, and lots of it. From family gatherings to, Christmas parties, cook outs and Birthday Celebrations. It holds so much love even in an empty home. The memories I have as a little girl drinking hot coco from her steaming hot tea kettle to her getting out her stash of boxes of chocolates.The no running water and the old fashioned washer, The laughter, the tears and the love yes above all the love. That's what it still holds the love. I don't know what will become of the house but I know that no matter what each, piece of love that made her house a home will forever be a memory to me and the family.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Along the way

A week ago I once again set out to prove to myself that anything is possible. I returned to the happiest place on earth Disney world and ran the Glass Slipper Challenge a 10k and a half marathon back to back 19.3 miles in two days. The 10k was just a fun pace that I took in the sights of epcot and the boardwalk, but Sunday a different thing all together. I knew I would be alone on this one, as the group of us divided up into our corrals I began to get my head in the game, prepare myself for the 13.1 miles that awaited my anxious feet and restless mind. Alone was what kept coming to mind no one to talk with or laugh with ALONE. As the corrals dismissed one by one I could feel my game face take over. I reached the sound of the countdown, the fireworks erupting overhead and off I went. I asked my dad to be with me on these 13.1 miles that would take me through places that just over two years ago we as a family made memories in. As nervous as I was about doing it alone I never felt alone. I was zoned in the entire time. Each mile, each memory of the fun we had as a family in Disney, with those memories of course cams tears but happy ones. I recall getting to mile 5.5  as I entered the magic kingdom and approached the castle I recall seeing my dad in tears as he saw his grandaughters come from the bippiti bopping boutique all in their princess attire, he beamed with pride and cried. I recall me talking to him a lot between miles 9 and 12 asking him to continue to give me energy and strength. With each mile passing saying "Dad I've got this Dad I do" I knew when I re entered Epcot I was in the home
stretch I could feel myself grabbing my heart necklace just wanting him with me the last steps to the finish line, and I know he was. As alone as I thought I would be I don't think I was. I know I had my dad beside me pushing me towards every mile.