Thursday, January 18, 2018

Hi Dad it's me. .

Hi Dad it's me. . I have not forgotten you, I still think about you daily, some days each hour, some days each minute and some days each second the end of the year came and went  and I felt the hurt of not celebrating your birthday with you, then the new year arrived and I quickly fell into that dark place that I go to form,  time tot ime the place wear your death engulfs my life, my thoughts and my inner being starts to suffocate.
I hate reliving that god dam dreaded day, I hate hearing mom's voice saying "Dad's gone Dad died" what on earth happened why in hell did god need you then, why the hell was it a good time to go, I never will know but I can only hope and pray it was one dam good reason, please,tell me it was.
The thought of you not being around simply devastates me in so many ways. Too many to mention.
Well Dad I will continur to remember and come back and blog yes cause tbis is part of my healing

Thursday, August 24, 2017

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. . . But may you know you have not been gone from my thoughts. Sometimes I start to write and I fall asleep, sometimes I start to write and it seems like I'm on repeat and then there are times where I need to just talk to you and tonight's one of those nights.
It has been a crazy few months, happy memories, sad memories, tears and laughter.
But you know what it's amazing when you see someone who looks strong and all put together on the outside you can sense that their is still hurt on the inside.
I like to think I'm raising strong, independent, daughter's who have a path that is straight and narrow at times but sometimes I question my place as a mom. Am I too much, am I not enough, am I given them what they need.
Sometimes well most of the time dad I wish you could see these grand daughter's of yours and see what they are becoming and be there to tell me what I need to hear, good or bad.
I wish today was one of those days.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Thanks for direction

So. . . Certain things in life push you over the edge, no matter how you try to ignore, or fix, somethings are just meant to be passed on. Well it's amazing how I got so much of your direction, and how you seem to have timed things in this situation, perfectly. Thank you for being close by even though your far away. You know what's right and your making it happen, ever so greatful.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

can you spoil him for us. . .

Letter to my Dad,
Hi Dad,
Today was a difficult day as we had to say goodbye to our loyal friend and dog Ranger aka Ranger Rick 12 years of loyalty he gave to the family, endless amounts of baked goods, human food, trash you name it,
But as I held him and patted his ears and kissed his wet nose good bye, I told him to find you and keep you company, I told him you would spoil him but not to expect you to share your food with him.
Please just love him and cuddle with him, he's good at that. We are missing him do much, especially your granddaughter who says she has no one to share her bed with now.
Just hug him and tell him we love and miss him.
Thanks Dad enjoy his company.
Your Daughter

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Christmas is done.....

The Christmas season is once again gone almost as quickly as it came. It's not the same, no special gift, noo joy to see on your face as you watch the family open gifts, no endless laughter over well our sense of humor, no nothing.
New memories to make and or new traditions but yet we don't change that getting togetger at the house but yet it's different very different. After we left the house I got things settled and let my mind and thoughts flow into this piece of writing.

My daughter's are nestled snug in their beds, I'm sure dreaming of another Christmas past in their heads. Their wishes were made with a simple gift or two but in my heart I know they were missing you too. They talked about you remembering this and that saying "remember when grampa always had to have that". As the Holiday passes I always hold dear the memories we have in hopes it holds you near. As long as you know our hearts still ache, without you having those new memories to make. I can only hope that as you watched from above you could still feel us surrounding you with our love.
Written by me with love, forever in my heart to my Dad.

All from these photos it came to me

Christmas= Not the same

Your birthday has come and gone, I found myself in that dark place, kinda like a hole that engulfs me not letting me out, but it's not like I could climb out but I don't think I wanted too. 
Your birthday's kept flooding my every thought, I remembered always having the girls sing to you, buying your gift cert to your favorite breakfast place, then there is that thought your 70th Birthday Surprise Birthday Party. The one we never had, I hate the emotions it creates in my mind, the did you think we would not have one, the did you think we did not care, the did they forget, it makes me so emotional, and angry I tell you in my thoughts that it was there it was planned the guest list was being finished but no god choose to take you too god dam early, why the hell would he do that, ugh it makes me angry. So Dad Happy Birthday in heaven I can only hope you were surrounded with balloons, cake friends and family yes that's what I hope and pray for. I miss you 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

It's Been Awhile

It's true it's been awhile as I was reminded of that tonight by a special someone, whom misses my thoughts about my dad, its true what they say that you can heal and keep someone alive (even if its just in our hearts) just by writing about them....

Well I have not forgotten about you dad the pain is still as real as that dreaded day in January 2014, my heart still aches my tears still flow and my anger is still there, I still feel lost and sometimes just separated from life and sometimes just everyday living.

Now that the holidays are fast approaching I will be reminded of the void that you have left in our lives, My Birthday and how me being 35 for the past ugh what almost 6 years was always our joke cause you know your little girl would never grow up and or would refuse too.
Well and we cant forget your birthday on the 24th wow could you tell stories about how having a Christmas eve birthday sucked and how sharing it with parities and Christmas gifts and such was unfair I could relate in some way but clearly not as much as you could, how the girls will miss calling you to sing Happy Birthday to the top of their lungs but better yet we will do it and yell it to the heavens.

I hope that the tears will be a little lighter this year even though I cant promise anything I miss you more and more everyday not any less.....

Thank you Mariel for reminding me of how much this helps me and well others like yourself for our Ted will forever be a part of our lives.