I wonder

I wonder... 

What would life be like if you were still here? 

Would mom be the same person or would her age be showing? 

Would you be traveling the country in a motor home?

How would the family be, divided?

These questions cross my mind daily. 

I have to stop wondering and just continue to keep living. I need to soak in the moments, the minutes. I need worry less and live more!

Today is your Birthday

Another Birthday to celebrate you is gone, another year to celebrate the day you entered this world is gone, but the empty feeling of not having you here still remains and dam does it hurt. 

I remember always getting you that Daddy and daughter Birthday card, the ones where I cried reading it picking it out and you crying it opening and reading it. God to just have that single moment one more time. 

How I struggle with my grief this time of year, how I once again feel like I'm caught in a circle of grief where I can't break through. I cry at the little things and the big things too. How does one escape this circle of grief but I guess you never do it just sometimes is easy and other times it's harder. 

Anyway today I cried for you, today I smiled remembering you and your birthdays we celebrated today I realized my love for you still grows each day. I hope you felt the love for Earth. 

Hi Dad it's me. .

Hi Dad it's me. . I have not forgotten you, I still think about you daily, some days each hour, some days each minute and some days each second the end of the year came and went  and I felt the hurt of not celebrating your birthday with you, then the new year arrived and I quickly fell into that dark place that I go to form,  time tot ime the place wear your death engulfs my life, my thoughts and my inner being starts to suffocate.
I hate reliving that god dam dreaded day, I hate hearing mom's voice saying "Dad's gone Dad died" what on earth happened why in hell did god need you then, why the hell was it a good time to go, I never will know but I can only hope and pray it was one dam good reason, please,tell me it was.
The thought of you not being around simply devastates me in so many ways. Too many to mention.
Well Dad I will continur to remember and come back and blog yes cause tbis is part of my healing

Christmas is done.....

The Christmas season is once again gone almost as quickly as it came. It's not the same, no special gift, noo joy to see on your face as you watch the family open gifts, no endless laughter over well our sense of humor, no nothing.
New memories to make and or new traditions but yet we don't change that getting togetger at the house but yet it's different very different. After we left the house I got things settled and let my mind and thoughts flow into this piece of writing.

My daughter's are nestled snug in their beds, I'm sure dreaming of another Christmas past in their heads. Their wishes were made with a simple gift or two but in my heart I know they were missing you too. They talked about you remembering this and that saying "remember when grampa always had to have that". As the Holiday passes I always hold dear the memories we have in hopes it holds you near. As long as you know our hearts still ache, without you having those new memories to make. I can only hope that as you watched from above you could still feel us surrounding you with our love.
Written by me with love, forever in my heart to my Dad.

All from these photos it came to me

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. . . But may you know you have not been gone from my thoughts. Sometimes I start to write and I fall asleep, sometimes I start to write and it seems like I'm on repeat and then there are times where I need to just talk to you and tonight's one of those nights.
It has been a crazy few months, happy memories, sad memories, tears and laughter.
But you know what it's amazing when you see someone who looks strong and all put together on the outside you can sense that their is still hurt on the inside.
I like to think I'm raising strong, independent, daughter's who have a path that is straight and narrow at times but sometimes I question my place as a mom. Am I too much, am I not enough, am I given them what they need.
Sometimes well most of the time dad I wish you could see these grand daughter's of yours and see what they are becoming and be there to tell me what I need to hear, good or bad.
I wish today was one of those days.

Thanks for direction

So. . . Certain things in life push you over the edge, no matter how you try to ignore, or fix, somethings are just meant to be passed on. Well it's amazing how I got so much of your direction, and how you seem to have timed things in this situation, perfectly. Thank you for being close by even though your far away. You know what's right and your making it happen, ever so greatful.

can you spoil him for us. . .

Letter to my Dad,
Hi Dad,
Today was a difficult day as we had to say goodbye to our loyal friend and dog Ranger aka Ranger Rick 12 years of loyalty he gave to the family, endless amounts of baked goods, human food, trash you name it,
But as I held him and patted his ears and kissed his wet nose good bye, I told him to find you and keep you company, I told him you would spoil him but not to expect you to share your food with him.
Please just love him and cuddle with him, he's good at that. We are missing him do much, especially your granddaughter who says she has no one to share her bed with now.
Just hug him and tell him we love and miss him.
Thanks Dad enjoy his company.
Love,
Your Daughter