Sunday, November 30, 2014

Sometimes it's just in a song!

the song "You Raise Me Up" has always been one of my favorite songs. Whenever I hear it I shed a tear or two ok well more like a puddle. Weather it's hearing it on TV or radio or seeing a dancer interpret it in their own movement, the song now means so much to me! When I hear it I know who is lifting me up well who should be, but tonight I heard it differently I heard it, with a meaning of a dad and his little girl, here is my interpretation!
Now that I have my daddy as my angel above I have a diffrent reason to Beleive that he is the one who comes and sits with me when I am sad, worried and feel burdened with sometimes everyday life!
Ever since I was a little girl he my dad raised me up so that I could stand on the mountains to see the whole world,  he provided me outlets, and a listening ear to get over those stormy seas. He raised me up as I would cling to his back for a piggy back ride or my father daughter dance he held me as if to say I'm not letting you go forever! Yet he raised me to be all that I could be and more! Because he believed I could!
If you really listen to a song that has meant something to you, you look at it differently it means a diffrent thing. So wjen I hear this song the tears still flow, I still sing along knowing all the words and I feel the presence of my dad. Tonight I'm feeling comfort I heard this song and it made me cry yes, but it also made me feel protected!

When I am down and oh my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

There is no life no life without it's hunger
Each restless heart beat so imperfectly
But when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Not so Thanksgiving

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was a nice day but not the nicest, but I am Thankful for who gathered with us on Thanksgiving. But yet in the back of my head I had my dad on my mind. The night before as I prepped food for the next day, I so wanted him there to eat the cranberry relish, the one dish I made that he looked forward to every year. I so wanted him making his scrumptious stuffing not me trying to make it just like his, cause it was not the same.
My phone calls to my mom asking about her prep work and listening to tears at one point that's not how I want thanksgiving. She was thinking that she was making his favorite mincemeat pie but no longer for him. It broke my heart in many ways it's true he will not eat his favorites with us, and she feels weak at times too as the process of grief rears its ugly head.
As we gathered around the table, my dads same place at the table was now Matt's seat, the one carving the turkey was no longer my dad, the bellowing laughter from my dad was not heard, his reviews of the food especially the cranberry relish was not given. I missed it all every detail about Thanksgiving with him every small one, every big one, every funny one, and every comment that would piss me off. Oh how I miss that, I guess all I have is memories of Thanksgivings past, from smelling the turkey cooking from my room at the wee hours of the morning, wanting to help by stirring or mixing, sampling the food and oh the smell of stuffing, his stuffing one day I will get it just right but until then I will hold onto the memory of how wonderful his was. Maybe next year the tears won't flow so easily and maybe I will master his stuffing recipe maybe, but YA know if I don't its ok cause it just means I'm still thinkimg of him. I love you dad and I'm Thankful for you being my dad.

Monday, November 24, 2014

It hits home

On Saturday I learned of some friends and the sudden passing of their dad. My heart broke and aches for them. As soon as I heard the sudden flood of emotions over took my life again, it opened up that wound that just does not seem to heal. I could so relate to the pain that they must be feeling. I wrote them a simple little note, I let them know that they will hurt, they will cry and they will be angry and to just let those feelings come out for that's one thing I have learned. To let it out and not be afraid to show emotion. It's weird how something like that takes you back to reliving the day that I lost my dad. I realize that I think of him everyday not just once or twice but so much more. I want to not be sad but I am I want to not just think about it but I do. It's like I'm back in a funk I can't get out of. The Holidays  are  fast approaching and I know that it's not going to be easy it's going to be dam right terrible. But ya know when you feel your alone in it all your not simply because it hits home for anyone who's lost a loved one.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Simple reminders of just how life is.

Today I was asked how I was going to handle the holidays. Well I first thought ok I think Thanksgiving will be easy cause well dad did not go last year cause he had an awful cold and did not want to give it to his newest granddaughter. Well ya know I'm
Sitting here re-thinking that answer in my head no it's not going to be easy cause last year I saw him, I brought him leftovers and one of his very favorite dishes that I make (really just for him and I) Cranberry Relish! He looked forward to that every year and I always looked forward to making it. Will I make it this year, yes will I double the batch no. But I know that I will make it and think of him. Getting his approval on how good it is. Now that's a simple reminder of one thing we always looked forward to critiquing.
Tonight I attended a fundraiser for a little girl who is dying, yes straight forward dying. Nothing the Drs can do, nothing her family can do but cherish the time they have with her. Ya know tonight as I sat and listened to songs of love, joy, hope, and faith, I was reminded of how simple the reminders in our lives are. Sit and listen to a song I mean really listen , tonight as a group of 8 people got up to sing to a family and a little girl whom some had never even met, I sang along I heard the words and felt the comfort, the comfort that these people were bringing  to the family and a large group of strangers , it was that simple it was a simple song that reminded me how precious life is how previous memories are, how previous keeping memories alive are. A simple song in life.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

One on one time I won't ever forget!

I recall this day now quite often, it was a day actually a morning just him and I spent, no grandchildren tagging along just Father and Daughter, for once I was doing something for him rather than the other way around! It was his routine colonoscopy, I know not fun stuff but it was the drive, it was the chit chat that just him and I shared on the way to his appointment, we talked about things that we both agreed on, strong agreements. We laughter and he asked about that random noise in my car ( he always did that always noticed a weird clang or humm) I remember just chucking out loud about it. He talked about his grand daughters dance oh how he adored them. I remember waiting for him to get done and I got to go in while I waited for them to dismiss him, he was his jolly self, teasing the nurses and joking about the situation for a I think that was how he just made uncomfortable situations better. Well when it was time to leave we enjoyed the ride home, again talking and talking.
I'm so thankful for this time, I'm so grateful for the conversations we shared, I realized that we were so much a like, in so many ways I know where my strong attitude comes from, I know where my sensitive side comes from. That day the conversations make me smile as I write this. He so just had it all figured out. Something rings in my ears ahhh yes the dr telling him he was set for another 10 years. Dam how I wish that in 10 years I would be looking forward to picking him up to bring him to his appointment, but nope all I have is this reminder of the date 1 year ago. I have the conversations etched in my mind and that's all I will have 10 years from now about this.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Only in my dreams. . . .

So I have often had people ask me if I dream of my dad, well I always answer "well he is there in them sometimes" and they always say well that means he is coming to visit you. Hmm well he may had been there but there was no interaction, well the dream I had today was quite diffrent QUITE diffrent.
So there was a major snowstorm in Buxton and I was on my way to my moms house and as I was about a half a mile away I met up with Chad (the funeral director) that did my dads services, he needed a ride so he left his car on this road cause there was no way we could get through and I took him to a local store well then we heard a crash and we were thinkinking that it was his car that got hit  so we went back and could not find his car, yeah I know weird well then he went on his way and I looked down the street and there was no snow but like a flood in the neighbors yard and the road was over grown in ferns. Well I look to where my parents house is down the road and the 5th wheel camper was pulling away so I ran down the road and went into the house, I went outside and then appeared my dad, in this weird looking car,like a cross between a towncar and a casket, I opened the top and said to my brother oh my there is no room in it,its the size of a casket. but it had seat space like a car, and there was a camper in the yard, it was a cross betweeen the 5th wheel and the old one that we use to have, as I opened the door my dad was like what do you think I said "well we should go camping he said who like all of us I was like yeah like the old days, I remeber seeing my dad sitting there and I was thinking wow he looks great, he looks thinner, and he had this patchwork type shirt on like he always use to wear but a little hipper. He was wearing not his wedding band (which would make sence cause my mom has it around her neck) but another type of gold ring as I tried to get a better look at it I realized it could had been his masonic ring one that I was hoping to get. I told him about my recent 10 K I ran and how I shaved minutes off my time from last year he was very proud, then we all loaded into this car. As we rode through these roads we live in now Buxton for example the roads were very high tech and futuristic, it was crazy I recall in my dream trying to take it all in ALL of it not sure when it was going to end.
It was a werid dream for sure but the details were so real, his look, his voice so strange. I felt diffrent after I woke up and diffrent I mean by past dreams he was there and not really said anything he was there but that was it, in this dream he was there talking, it felt so real.
So maybe in my dream today he came to see me, maybe he came to comfort me, maybe he came to let me know that he is OK that he is still living on and having fun enjoying things we always use to do, who knows, but to me it felt real.