Friday, November 28, 2014

Not so Thanksgiving

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was a nice day but not the nicest, but I am Thankful for who gathered with us on Thanksgiving. But yet in the back of my head I had my dad on my mind. The night before as I prepped food for the next day, I so wanted him there to eat the cranberry relish, the one dish I made that he looked forward to every year. I so wanted him making his scrumptious stuffing not me trying to make it just like his, cause it was not the same.
My phone calls to my mom asking about her prep work and listening to tears at one point that's not how I want thanksgiving. She was thinking that she was making his favorite mincemeat pie but no longer for him. It broke my heart in many ways it's true he will not eat his favorites with us, and she feels weak at times too as the process of grief rears its ugly head.
As we gathered around the table, my dads same place at the table was now Matt's seat, the one carving the turkey was no longer my dad, the bellowing laughter from my dad was not heard, his reviews of the food especially the cranberry relish was not given. I missed it all every detail about Thanksgiving with him every small one, every big one, every funny one, and every comment that would piss me off. Oh how I miss that, I guess all I have is memories of Thanksgivings past, from smelling the turkey cooking from my room at the wee hours of the morning, wanting to help by stirring or mixing, sampling the food and oh the smell of stuffing, his stuffing one day I will get it just right but until then I will hold onto the memory of how wonderful his was. Maybe next year the tears won't flow so easily and maybe I will master his stuffing recipe maybe, but YA know if I don't its ok cause it just means I'm still thinkimg of him. I love you dad and I'm Thankful for you being my dad.

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