Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Sometimes its too much to bear. . . .

Sometimes its too much to bear. Sometimes I find myself caught in the thought of wanting my dad, sometimes I relive a moment that I wish I could go back too. Sometimes I wish January 4th never existed. Sometimes there is a time where I just cant get out of my own way of dealing with grief. Sometimes I have too many days like this.
Today seems to be that kind of day, the day where you log into facebook and all that seems to appear are the tearful videos about life and the unexpected, sometimes there are those wedding videos that you know just what is going to happen but you watch it anyway and end up in a puddle of tears. As I watched this video of a bride who had lost her dad just months before her wedding take the father daughter dance with brothers and her new father in law. The pain in her tears I could see and feel, the thought of not having that moment with her dad I cant relate to that as I got to enjoy the tearful father daughter dance with my dad, but yet it was amazing to watch this with full blown tears but yet relive my dance wanting to just hold him and hug him one last time. I remember crying with him as he lead me across the dance floor, I remember him telling me he loved me, I remember looking around and thinking it was just him and I. I wish I could just one time dance this dance with him again, I have the photos and the memories but sometimes its too much to bear. . .

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Colors

I was approached by a gentleman whom was part of the Vietnam group, at the parade I helped organize this past weekend. He asked me "Where would you like the colors" the two other people looked at everyone. I knew exactly what they were thinking, but I knew exactly what he meant. The colors....... the flags of our country those are "the colors" Of course they lead the parade as they should had carrying our "colors" with such pride and dignity.
As a little girl I can recall numerous parades where we would ride throughout the town on top of fire trucks, with the colors decorating the firetrucks. My dad volunteered as a firefighters from when I can remember as a little girl till the day he left this earth.
I would watch my dad at parades remove his hat respecting the flag, when attending a sporting event saying the national anthem. I learned from.him to respect the colors that he so proudly protected as his years in the service. Our house growing up was adorned with an American flag.
And his final.resting place is marked with the colors. It's amazing to think something so simple made a huge impact on my life and I had the knowledge of knowing that the colors are in deed the leader of the parade. Thanks Dad for instilling your love of the colors to me.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

4th of July Memories

It's the 4th of July. One your favorite holidays. I mean dad come on food everything you could want and more, conversation, jokes, laughter and just a good time. It's funny dad as I was getting things ready for the cook out I stopped and thought man these won't be as good as dad's (referring to the deviled eggs) or ya know sometimes as I was  making something I got a huge pit in my stomach knowing you won't ever eat it again with us. Jesus dad that sucks. It hurts so bad knowing im.having your favorite things and your not here to share them with. You were such a food contasure, you mastered everything you made and I miss your special touch of making anything just so. Not only do I miss your food but also your arsenal of fireworks you would get every year. I think our firework displays were better than Portlands. Since when I was a little girl I can remember the firework shows we would have at home at the big 4th party, the firecrackers tied to the telephone pole, the huge bomb things. The memories are there and so vivid in my mind but it sure does not help my heartache of missing you. I hope the firecrackers are going off and when I light up the sky with a few fireworks they will be for you Dad. I love you and I miss you so much.