A connection in my own way.

I can often be seen grabbing at the heart that hangs around my neck. I notice I hold it in my hand when I need to feel secure or supported, or when I get those I miss him moments. This heart I wear around my neck is a forever connection I have with my dad. I remember preparing for his services and the day that I would say goodbye to my daddy. I wanted something that I could have a forever piece or connection per-say with him.
 Yes we adorned  his casket (the Lincoln ) with photos, cards and letters but I searched for something special. Something him and I would always have. I remember putting out the call from friends and family asking for help with a necklace. My friend Lisa had me call in what I wanted and she made the arrangements to get it.
I wear a heart with a key hole with the words "Forever Daddy's Little Girl" etched on it. He wears around his neck a dog tag with a key that fits the heart on my necklace.
It's something knowing that he is wearing a piece of me and I a piece of him. Something that forever keeps us bonded. It's my good luck charm, my tear catcher, my heart of love knowing he's there. It's a piece of him. Whenever I need my daddy's love somehow rubbing it along my fingers I feel his love and presence. I've only had a few people ask me and I must say they are quite surprised to hear that my dad who passed away is wearing the key to it. You can see the shock but yet pure sympathy.
I wear it for me, I wear it to be connected, I wear it to feel my daddy's love, to feel safe.

Only got one parent left. . .

In a normal conversation with my husband about my mom, and how she called me four times in a 20 min span. He said "Don't complain you only have one parent left" while I know he meant no harm in thst phrase, it really made me think. Dam it, it's true I do. I only have my mom. Why on earth did I not look at my life growing up as you only have two parents. I mean think about it, would you had respected them more in your rebellious stage of adolescent, and not wait till you were out on your own to realize it. I can't feel guilty for I know that no matter the attitude I gave them as a girl the only girl in the family and the baby at that. I know they still loved me, the nights I went out and missed my curfew by minutes, they threaded to forbid me from going out again, why because they loved me and wanted to know I was safe. Every Sunday I would get driven by my dad or picked up by my Sunday school teacher while the brothers slept in why, because they wanted me to be guided and to grow up with strong morrals. It's too late now for the apologizes to my dad about my outburst of a teenager or the silent treatment I would give him for getting me early at a sleepover to bring me to church. I see it now that I only have one parent that I need to let go of the 4 phone calls in a 20 min period, or the can you pick me up this or bring me here. Because we are all she has now. She's my only parent and we are her only family.

The Fear

This has been on my mind a lot, well I think since the day my dad died. The fear of death. It's been on my mind a lot. I don't know why! Maybe it's a stage of grief? Maybe it's seeing it hit so close to many family and friends? Or maybe cause it scares the hell of me! I really don't know.
I don't want to think about it. I want to live till I'm 100. I want to not miss a thing ever. I don't know why the fear is just so there with me and why it weighs on me so.
I want to look back on my dad's life and think wow he lived a lot but wait no, he's missing a lot. What about those who's lives are cut so dam short like my brothers he did not get a chance to live his life, we are left asking the what if's. I need to get out of this fear, I need to hug my girls, kiss my husband and treasure my family and my friends. I need to stop focusing on the what if's and just live in the moment yeah, that's it live in the moment. Wait I wish it was that easy cause its not. Maybe there is a step by step program to get me there, maybe it's just all in my head! I really don't know. There is so much pain and hurt in the world nothing ever good on the news just more killing and terrorism. I hate that I hate having to think people live in fear some even in their own homes.
I guess I needed to get this out. I need to learn to breathe and worry less and think less. Yes that's it. Smile and Laugh more yes maybe that will help rear this ugly side I fear. Yes I will start there.