Tuesday, October 21, 2014

As I lay in bed listening to rain bounce off the windows and the bright cored leaves on the trees, I'm reminded by the saying or maybe it's just a statement, "when it rains it's our loved ones tears from heaven." You know as a little girl after losing my brother I thought hmm that's kinda cool even though I figured it was impossible, well as I sit here and listen I don't want them to be tears, I want only happiness and life and love up there beyond the clouds. I want my dad to be smiling and laughing his contagious laugh. I want him happy and watching from above all that he is missing out on here. I just want the rain to be what shall wash my worry, and grief away. Yes that's it I want that! 

Monday, October 20, 2014

I'm struggling with the new norm, cause its not normal to me, its far from it, VERY VERY VERY far from it. The holiday's are soon approaching, followed by my dads birthday. I'm dreading these days. This weekend we celebrated by niece's first birthday. It was happy times and it was wonderful to see family together but yet I could not help but see a huge hole in it. I missed my dad and his sarcastic input or the tears that I'm sure would had fallen from his eyes as he watched his 3rd granddaughter devour her cake. I missed his criticism on the cake i made that he would had made even though he meant nothing by it just was being funny, I missed his overall presence. It sucks I ain't gonna lie it sucks more than anyone could imagine. The pain I feel is still so deep and the tears are still as fresh as the day he left us. I love the holidays and I keep telling myself that I need to just continue with my love of the holidays and honor his through them, I ain't gonna hide my feelings and my true grief for I know these upcoming months maybe the hardest.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Comfort in a voice

As I was going through my phone just weeks after my dad left this world and went onto the next, I was deleting old voicemails and came across one, my heart sank as I heard his voice, immediately i felt sick and tears fell faster than the tissues could catch them. I did not delete it. So just yesterday I was once again going through my phone and this time I came to that same voice mail, I pushed play and simply braced myself for tears, but this time I smiled as I closed my eyes and pictured him like he was standing in front of me. I then played it again, this time on speaker phone and asked my 4 year old to listen, she did with an uncertain look on her face. I asked her " you know who that is" she looked at me puzzled not sure, paused and said "maybe daddy" I then replayed it and she smiled and said "oh it's grampa" I said yes he left that message a while ago, she said to me innocently "well let's call him back" I said "oh honey he's in heaven" she said "we could call great grammie too!" I thought as I looked at her face she was serious, I then looked at her and with tears slowly falling I said "I wish that heaven had a telephone so we could call and talk to them" Now how great would that be, I would call, maybe it would cost a lot but ya know It would be worth it, I could ask him questions, I could ask him how he was, how Chris, Great Grammie, My Uncles amd those others who left this world were! I would want to tell him I loved him, I would what to tell him what he's missed, I would what to let him know how much I miss him, but I would beg him to tell me the signs he leaves to let me know he's here. If only heaven had a telephone! If only!

Monday, October 6, 2014

I lost a piece of my heart. . . .

It was the wee hours of January 4th, the phone rang I looked at the number on caller id and I knew it was my parents, the voice cracking and breaking up on the other end was my mom, the words "dad died" "what I said" (even thought I heard her the first time) "Dad has died, he died in his sleep" I froze I did not cry I did not have a reaction. I guess that is what they call shock, as I tried to calm my mom on the other end of the phone, I asked did you call Michael, "No I did not" "you call him, " she begged so I made that call that no one ever wants to have to make, "My brother only lives a mile or so from my parents and I knew he could be there faster than I and within minutes he was there.
I recall sitting on the side of my bed not having any emotion and just kept saying why cant I cry why why, well shock was in full force.
I dreaded waking the girls to tell them and yet maybe Lauren would be too young to understand (even though I knew that my 4 year old was way smarter than that) Amber cried and I held her and I wish I could had given her reasons and or an explanation but I had none, NOTHING NOT ONE REASON. I could then tell that my heart was broken and I think I felt a piece break apart, hmm maybe my dad stopped and picked it up as he flew above the clouds to his new life, I really do not know.
The I wish, and the whys started to engulf my mouth every time I opened it. I hated to go to the house, I envisioned the night my brother was killed at 19 years old and I remember my dad getting me at the wee morning hours at my friends house to bring me home, the house was somber and sad, I did not want to witness that emptiness again but I knew I would, my parents home is suppose to be a place of laughter and fun not grief, and sadness. It SUCKED it SUCKED so bad having to open the door to a house that I would no longer see my dad at, a house that would no longer smell of his cooking, the house that would no longer hinder his loud voice and laughter, a house that I would never see my dad in EVER AGAIN!
I can say I lost a piece of my heart that night, a piece that was his. I ask myself will I ever get it back, will my heart ever heal, NO my broken heart will never heal, maybe its kinda like an open wound you know the one that takes forever to heal and just as it heals you bump it and it opens back up, Because ya know just when I think wow I'm having a good day, a tear falls from my eye and the wound opens back up. . . . .I lost a piece of my heart.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Refections come to life

A week ago I attended a healing through writing workshop, that opened my eyes to way of dealing with the grief that has engulfed my life after losing my dad in Janaury.  I have sat many times since January and tried to put into words on a piece of paper how I felt, but that paper would end up in a round ball of crmbles on the floor. After attending the workshop I was able to let the tears pour (and that they did) I was able to let the pen in my hand take me to a place in my head, heart and body and loose my self completely with how I felt at that very moment, many times watching the ink run as the tears would hit the page of a freshly written verse or line that recalled a feeling or memory.
I have decided to put my grief on paper in hopes that it will help me, but maybe someone will stubble along my blog and read and see that ya know they are not alone either.