Tuesday, August 18, 2015

I was scared

So when you lose a parent you grip even more tightly to the one you have left. Or well that's how it feels for me. I talk with my mom every night and when she has the day off its more like 3 to 5 times a day. We have always been close even when my dad was alive. Well the other day, I felt indeed fear, I never heard from my mom and that is so unlike her, I called my brothers home thinking maybe she was watching his kids no answer sent him.a text it went un answered . So I stopped in. I was scared to death to turn the key to the locked door and cautiously looked around to see if anything was out of place or felt interrupted. Then I feared walking the hall to the bedroom, fear I would find her dead, (blunt yes but the fear was real) nothing. My girls hugged the kitchen walls of the house as I looked around the fear was so real for them too. I left just as I get a text from my brother stating he had her and they were shopping. My mom called me later on that day and I told her she needs to give me a heads up. I was worried. She apologized but I guess I don't want her to feel like I'm babysitting but ilyet I need her to understand in which I think she does. But I was scared terrified really.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The last time. . . .

I pass the place. The white building with the tarred lot, with a small white overhang roof and the just plain look of a building where sadness comes to gather. I drive by this building at least 3 times a week. I glance over and sometimes there are cars and then sometimes it's just empty looking. I suddenly get the image of you there. The image of you laying so peacefully surrounded with photos, memories and above all love. This was the place, the last place I got to see you I spoke but you could not speak back, I cried over you but you could not wipe my tears. I laughed about memories but that was all I had you could not share another story and laugh along.
I remember we could not bring you to your final resting place cause mother nature packed us with a huge snowfall that winter so we waited for spring. When I would have one of those days I would drive by just to feel close to you, just to feel like I could hear you tell me it was ok or that you loved me. It's strange how when I now see the building how much floods into my mind and heart.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Loneliness. . .

Loneliness. . . I find myself drifting to that part of my life at times. I maybe surrounded by people but I feel alone. I find myself eating dinner with my girls but feel completely alone as my thoughts wander to you dad. A favorite place you dined or a favorite food. The room almost is silent and at a stand still and I feel such Loneliness.
Is this still a part of grief. Is this a phase of missing you. I don't know but it's an awful place to be. I don't want to be lonely. I want to be alive and myself but as of late I can't be. It's funny how no one asks if I'm ok, almost like they figure I have gotten over your loss I guess I do one hell of a job keeping it all in. But ya know that makes me feel lonely.
I guess as I write this I need to let my built up emotions out my missing you, sheading tears.
Another phase Loneliness another lesson of grief, another huddle to jump, but I guess the only person who can make it go away is myself.