J A N U A R Y is here. .for many its a time to start fresh with new years resolutions, for me its a month of heartache endured and rearing its ugly face again. It began when I was 15 and my brother was killed in an automobile accident a nightmare that I wished I could had woken up from nope it was reality a shattered family, a life gone way too soon, my older brother my protecter my example gone.
Then just 3 years ago, my grandmother, my wonderful gram, my 2nd mom, the one who I could tell anything too, whom was so young at heart, so carefree, so full of life, so proud of me and so proud of her family. She was 90 getting more frail and hating that she could not be the independent self she was for so many years, when it was her time she never looked back. I miss her, I loved visiting with her and so did my girls. I hope she is smiling upon them from above.
Then in just 3 days it will mark two years of the unexpected passing of my dad. I can hear my mom on the other end of the phone, I can recall making the dreaded phone call to my brother, I can recall sitting in my bed in complete and utter shock, no tears, no emotion, just shock. I recall it like it was yesterday. My heart breaking as it did that very day.
The emotions that it triggers are so beyond my control, I hate the world around me, I hate the people who have their dads still. I just hate the earth. I wish I could look at it differently but I can't I'm hurt, I'm broken, I'm scarred, I'm scared. If I could take this month off the calendar and what it represents not new beginninga, not resolutions it represents heartache. I can only hope to make it through the days ahead with just memories that will not all cause tears, and just maybe a smile. I can hope.