I wonder

I wonder... 

What would life be like if you were still here? 

Would mom be the same person or would her age be showing? 

Would you be traveling the country in a motor home?

How would the family be, divided?

These questions cross my mind daily. 

I have to stop wondering and just continue to keep living. I need to soak in the moments, the minutes. I need worry less and live more!

Today is your Birthday

Another Birthday to celebrate you is gone, another year to celebrate the day you entered this world is gone, but the empty feeling of not having you here still remains and dam does it hurt. 

I remember always getting you that Daddy and daughter Birthday card, the ones where I cried reading it picking it out and you crying it opening and reading it. God to just have that single moment one more time. 

How I struggle with my grief this time of year, how I once again feel like I'm caught in a circle of grief where I can't break through. I cry at the little things and the big things too. How does one escape this circle of grief but I guess you never do it just sometimes is easy and other times it's harder. 

Anyway today I cried for you, today I smiled remembering you and your birthdays we celebrated today I realized my love for you still grows each day. I hope you felt the love for Earth. 

Hi Dad it's me. .

Hi Dad it's me. . I have not forgotten you, I still think about you daily, some days each hour, some days each minute and some days each second the end of the year came and went  and I felt the hurt of not celebrating your birthday with you, then the new year arrived and I quickly fell into that dark place that I go to form,  time tot ime the place wear your death engulfs my life, my thoughts and my inner being starts to suffocate.
I hate reliving that god dam dreaded day, I hate hearing mom's voice saying "Dad's gone Dad died" what on earth happened why in hell did god need you then, why the hell was it a good time to go, I never will know but I can only hope and pray it was one dam good reason, please,tell me it was.
The thought of you not being around simply devastates me in so many ways. Too many to mention.
Well Dad I will continur to remember and come back and blog yes cause tbis is part of my healing

Christmas is done.....

The Christmas season is once again gone almost as quickly as it came. It's not the same, no special gift, noo joy to see on your face as you watch the family open gifts, no endless laughter over well our sense of humor, no nothing.
New memories to make and or new traditions but yet we don't change that getting togetger at the house but yet it's different very different. After we left the house I got things settled and let my mind and thoughts flow into this piece of writing.

My daughter's are nestled snug in their beds, I'm sure dreaming of another Christmas past in their heads. Their wishes were made with a simple gift or two but in my heart I know they were missing you too. They talked about you remembering this and that saying "remember when grampa always had to have that". As the Holiday passes I always hold dear the memories we have in hopes it holds you near. As long as you know our hearts still ache, without you having those new memories to make. I can only hope that as you watched from above you could still feel us surrounding you with our love.
Written by me with love, forever in my heart to my Dad.

All from these photos it came to me

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. . . But may you know you have not been gone from my thoughts. Sometimes I start to write and I fall asleep, sometimes I start to write and it seems like I'm on repeat and then there are times where I need to just talk to you and tonight's one of those nights.
It has been a crazy few months, happy memories, sad memories, tears and laughter.
But you know what it's amazing when you see someone who looks strong and all put together on the outside you can sense that their is still hurt on the inside.
I like to think I'm raising strong, independent, daughter's who have a path that is straight and narrow at times but sometimes I question my place as a mom. Am I too much, am I not enough, am I given them what they need.
Sometimes well most of the time dad I wish you could see these grand daughter's of yours and see what they are becoming and be there to tell me what I need to hear, good or bad.
I wish today was one of those days.

Thanks for direction

So. . . Certain things in life push you over the edge, no matter how you try to ignore, or fix, somethings are just meant to be passed on. Well it's amazing how I got so much of your direction, and how you seem to have timed things in this situation, perfectly. Thank you for being close by even though your far away. You know what's right and your making it happen, ever so greatful.

can you spoil him for us. . .

Letter to my Dad,
Hi Dad,
Today was a difficult day as we had to say goodbye to our loyal friend and dog Ranger aka Ranger Rick 12 years of loyalty he gave to the family, endless amounts of baked goods, human food, trash you name it,
But as I held him and patted his ears and kissed his wet nose good bye, I told him to find you and keep you company, I told him you would spoil him but not to expect you to share your food with him.
Please just love him and cuddle with him, he's good at that. We are missing him do much, especially your granddaughter who says she has no one to share her bed with now.
Just hug him and tell him we love and miss him.
Thanks Dad enjoy his company.
Love,
Your Daughter

Christmas= Not the same

Your birthday has come and gone, I found myself in that dark place, kinda like a hole that engulfs me not letting me out, but it's not like I could climb out but I don't think I wanted too. 

Your birthday's kept flooding my every thought, I remembered always having the girls sing to you, buying your gift cert to your favorite breakfast place, then there is that thought your 70th Birthday Surprise Birthday Party. The one we never had, I hate the emotions it creates in my mind, the did you think we would not have one, the did you think we did not care, the did they forget, it makes me so emotional, and angry I tell you in my thoughts that it was there it was planned the guest list was being finished but no god choose to take you too god dam early, why the hell would he do that, ugh it makes me angry. So Dad Happy Birthday in heaven I can only hope you were surrounded with balloons, cake friends and family yes that's what I hope and pray for. I miss you 

It's Been Awhile

It's true it's been awhile as I was reminded of that tonight by a special someone, whom misses my thoughts about my dad, its true what they say that you can heal and keep someone alive (even if its just in our hearts) just by writing about them....


Well I have not forgotten about you dad the pain is still as real as that dreaded day in January 2014, my heart still aches my tears still flow and my anger is still there, I still feel lost and sometimes just separated from life and sometimes just everyday living.


Now that the holidays are fast approaching I will be reminded of the void that you have left in our lives, My Birthday and how me being 35 for the past ugh what almost 6 years was always our joke cause you know your little girl would never grow up and or would refuse too.
Well and we cant forget your birthday on the 24th wow could you tell stories about how having a Christmas eve birthday sucked and how sharing it with parities and Christmas gifts and such was unfair I could relate in some way but clearly not as much as you could, how the girls will miss calling you to sing Happy Birthday to the top of their lungs but better yet we will do it and yell it to the heavens.


I hope that the tears will be a little lighter this year even though I cant promise anything I miss you more and more everyday not any less.....


Thank you Mariel for reminding me of how much this helps me and well others like yourself for our Ted will forever be a part of our lives.

letters

So my mom has told me that she has recently begun to re read your letters that you both wrote to each other. I think she finds extreme comfort in them and it brings her back to such a happy time in her life. She shared one with me.
Wow life then was so simple, so selfless and so honest. I mean how often do people confess their love for one another, how often are words poured out into letters deep thoughts, and raw emotion. I don't think ever. It was quite sweet to read. And ya know when men left their wives or girlfriends that was how it was for them all only communication through letters. Wow how different our lives now would be if we still only had that. I'm glad she still has that piece of her life that takes her back to when her life was so full of happiness.

A Medium

So today I got the opportunity to have a medium tell me who's around me. Thank you dad for being there. I can say I'm so relived. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I felt your direction and guidance. Putting me first. Wow and I'm on the lookout for those humming bird earrings you told me that's where I would find my comfort and that rolling stones song. Dead Flowers. I need to try and decider that as well I need to hear more I need that.

There's always a reminder

Well, I started a new adventure, a merchandiser for Hallmark. Yes cards oh how I could write the perfect one I would think as I looked through them. I remember over the years Birthdays, grandparents day, father's day cards always spending time looking for the perfect one. Sometimes a funny one but usually one from the heart and most always a Father from Daughter.
Well I was restocking the father's day section and I began to cry. I wont be able to give you the perfect card again for fathers day. It's sad knowing that even where I work there is a reminder of the one more thing I can't do. It sucks so much, I would give anything to give you your fathers day card, and watch you tear up, yep that's how I always knew I had found the perfect one.

Just what I may need. A letter to my Dad

Hey Dad,
Today I dreamed up one crazy ass idea. Wanna hear it? Of course you do, I know your thinking what is my crazy daughter up to now. Ok today I considered and well am pretty confident that I will sign up to run a marathon. Yes you heard that right a marathon 26.2 miles. YES I'm crazy. But ya know something's have recently had me thinking, pissing me off, questioning people in my life and ya know I thought back to the year you died, the year I ran my 1st half marathon just 2 months after you passed away. The way I felt was so different.
I felt calm, emotional, energized, emotional, inspired, emotional, like a champion, emotional, complete, emotional, invigorated, emotional, proud, emotional. I felt it all, I could think, I could cry, I could feel muscles aching, I could laugh, I could cry but above all I never felt STRESSED. It was amazing how my worries just went away with every pounding foot on the pavement. I realized today that running just maybe my outlet.
I know whatever I deceide to do you will be rooting me on, supporting me and pushing me. So dad please guide me and give me the courage to not give up, to try harder meet the goals, train strong and hard. Thank you
Love Always and Forever
Your Little Girl.

A piece of me. .

We were blessed to have had the opportunity to visit the beautiful Island of Kauai HI again. It was just 2 months after your death that we took our first trip. You were so excited for us, and ya know dad I never got the chance to tell You about it. But I know you were there in sport. This time dad was just as wonderful. I found myself thinking about you as we explored the beauty of this island, I like to call it my heaven. There is something about it, it's peaceful beauty, everywhere you look, the high surf from an angry ocean that can calm you, a simple palm tree swaying in the breeze. A luau with dancers perfecting the heart of Hawaii with their moves. I never thought I could love some place as much as I do love Kauai. I just wanted to share my piece of heaven with you.

Sometimes something says it all. . . .

I recently was looking in FB and this popped up in a FB group I belong to daughters grieving the loss of a parent. This article is perfect and I can relate it to in so many ways. I wants to save it here so that on says when I need to remind myself that it's ok it's here.
Plus maybe someone else will stumble across this and read it.

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/03/11/acknowledging-our-grief-anniversaries/

Your favorite thing

Hi Dad, Its crazy to believe that it's another year that you won't be there to watch your grand daughters dance in competition. I mean wait you will be there with possibly the best seat in the house high up in heaven but right next to us would be so much better. Its amazing how far they have come, and ya know I always tell them to dance for Grampa he is watching. Oh how you were so dedicated, up early to arrive to ensure the best seats, and always rooting for everyone in the team, but always shedding those years for your favorite dancers. You were their biggest support and would travel hundreds of miles to watch them dance, making sure they knew you were there. Oh how much so miss you during the dance season. Who else could I sit with and pick dances a part, who else would cook in the back of the truck to make sure the team was fed. Who else would turn around and Do it all again the next day.
You yes YOU.............
I hope your chair is teafy, your good luck is ready to be sprinkled on them and your ready to cry those proud grampa years. Miss you so much dad. I love you

Hi Dad its me

Hi Dad its me. . . . do you head me when I talk to you, when I ask you for advice or direction or maybe just that simple favor or unspoken request. Its amazing how maybe that simple conversation with you can make me feel better.
Its amazing how it clears my mind.
Maybe cause the dreaded month of Janauary is over. Maybe it's cause the sunshine is melting the snow, maybe it's because I'm looking at setting some new goals. Yeah what's we it is, I hope it's your direction leading me or at least in some ways, maybe it's just my conversations I have with you outload or quietly whatever it may be thank you for listening Dad. I love you

Healing. . .

Ok, I have been thinking a lot since my post a couple days ago. I have been thinking I need to begin to heal, not just keep saying why, and blamming the world or just life in general. I have been shut off for the past few weeks. BAD, so bad that when people saw me they could see I was hurting. I want that fun, loving, crazy, fun to be around person back, yes the Real Me back. I have some wonderful traits that I got from my Dad, his kind heart, his giving ways, his sense of humor, his outgoing way of life and yet his who gives a shit attitude (not always a good thing) Well where I'm going with this is well, my traits that I cherish the ones that make me the person I am and the ones my dad passed to me I need them back. He would not be happy that I had or was losing sight of these and the person I am.
My husband said to me, maybe you need to start running again. My first thought was hmm I guess I mean I had been thinking about it.
I began training for my first half wait what am I saying my first ever race ever after a friend of mine ran her first one, she inspired me I trained in 2013. My dad would ask me about it, and I knew he was eager to have me complete it, even after a major sciatic injury put me out of commision but, I did not give up, and when I ran it , it was 1 month after I lost my dad. I ran that dam race with him right by my side, I thought of him every mile, and at the end I so recall looking up to the sky raising my hands and crying saying I did it I did it Dad. I ran that 100% for him.
There was something about that day I finished, I was not fast hell by no means fast at all a snail's pace rather but I did it. The following year I challenged myself and did the challenge a 10k and then the 1/2 earning three medals and a huge PR.
Well I'm ready I'm ready to challenge myself and setting a goal in 2017 to run Tinkerbell in California and Wine and Dine in Florida gets me a coast to coast a huge achievent so yes let the healing begin, with my mind and my body. Running as much as I don't consider myself one may just be what I need to begin to heal. And. . . I know I will always have my dad right by me pushing me every step of the way who knows a marathon could be in the far future, OK let's take this one healing mile at a time.

Sometimes you need advice. . .

I recently had someone ask me how I was doing, and he referred to my blog asking if It was helping, more on that later. I immediately told him I would share it with him, I have been at this blog writing thing for over a year, but have always loved writing since I was a teenager in school.
Ok now back to the question above "is it helping" I guess in different ways it is. It gives me a place to vent, I can put my feelings down and no one can judge me, my feelings spill out through my fingers as I type and the words just flow right to the keyboard. So if I had to answer it yes, it helps me get it out of my head and heart and out there.
I asked him " what did you think," "wow, you have a lot going on a lot built up, but that I have a great way of writing," "I think you now need to learn to cope," that was his advice. So since our conversation I've been thinking about that. C O P E
How does one do that, I have been thinking maybe I need to break down the meaning of coping

cope¹

kōp/

verb

1. (of a person) deal effectively with something difficult.

   "his ability to cope with stress"

   synonyms:

   manage, survive, subsist, look after oneself, fend for oneself, carry on, get by/through, bear up, hold one's own,keep one's end up, keep one's head above water;  informalmake it, hack it "she couldn't cope on her own" deal with, handle, manage, address,face (up to), confront, tackle, come to grips with, get through, weather, come to terms with "his inability to cope with the situation"

Deal effectively with something difficult. Ok losing someone is difficult I can admit to that, dealing with that, OK that's step one dealing with it. So that is where I will begin, dealing with it. But cope just seems like a mask, something to cover just to move on, are you truly really over it no,you just cope so you can live your life. So how is that supose to help me. Maybe I need to H E A L yes that's better H E A L I N G. So let me process that and then it shall begin

Two years and the nightmare returned

Two years ago today, there was this nightmare that I lost my dad, since then I've realized it was indeed a nightmare just one I could not wake up from.
The pain of losing my dad is still very real, it hurts as much as that day that I relive so many times in my mind. I've realized that grief which is defined as: a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.
Grief is an ugly thing, its like a rollercoaster that you can't get off, you can have great days, weeks, and months then when it comes back, you fall into this hole that starts you back at square one. Sometimes grief can tear you down, it can keep you from the person you use to be, it can cause more harm than good and in times feels like its totally out of your control.
I need to try and get myself away from it, it causes deep depression, fears that I had never thought about become anxiety. Sometimes my life is crumbling around me and I'm the only one who can pull myself from the mess.
People heal in different ways, and just when I feel like I'm beginning to heal something triggers me and I'm back battling the beast. I need to focus on good and hopefully that will weight out the evil of grief. One step at a time.