Broken. . .

BROKEN: trying to pick up the pieces and put them back where they once were. I'm struggling to even find the pieces and some are just not fitting back to where they once were. I don't know why but I'm broken. Put yourself together I tell myself but I just cant or wait when I think that the last piece will fix me I realize I'm more broken than I was before.

I was scared

So when you lose a parent you grip even more tightly to the one you have left. Or well that's how it feels for me. I talk with my mom every night and when she has the day off its more like 3 to 5 times a day. We have always been close even when my dad was alive. Well the other day, I felt indeed fear, I never heard from my mom and that is so unlike her, I called my brothers home thinking maybe she was watching his kids no answer sent him.a text it went un answered . So I stopped in. I was scared to death to turn the key to the locked door and cautiously looked around to see if anything was out of place or felt interrupted. Then I feared walking the hall to the bedroom, fear I would find her dead, (blunt yes but the fear was real) nothing. My girls hugged the kitchen walls of the house as I looked around the fear was so real for them too. I left just as I get a text from my brother stating he had her and they were shopping. My mom called me later on that day and I told her she needs to give me a heads up. I was worried. She apologized but I guess I don't want her to feel like I'm babysitting but ilyet I need her to understand in which I think she does. But I was scared terrified really.

The last time. . . .

I pass the place. The white building with the tarred lot, with a small white overhang roof and the just plain look of a building where sadness comes to gather. I drive by this building at least 3 times a week. I glance over and sometimes there are cars and then sometimes it's just empty looking. I suddenly get the image of you there. The image of you laying so peacefully surrounded with photos, memories and above all love. This was the place, the last place I got to see you I spoke but you could not speak back, I cried over you but you could not wipe my tears. I laughed about memories but that was all I had you could not share another story and laugh along.
I remember we could not bring you to your final resting place cause mother nature packed us with a huge snowfall that winter so we waited for spring. When I would have one of those days I would drive by just to feel close to you, just to feel like I could hear you tell me it was ok or that you loved me. It's strange how when I now see the building how much floods into my mind and heart.

Loneliness. . .

Loneliness. . . I find myself drifting to that part of my life at times. I maybe surrounded by people but I feel alone. I find myself eating dinner with my girls but feel completely alone as my thoughts wander to you dad. A favorite place you dined or a favorite food. The room almost is silent and at a stand still and I feel such Loneliness.
Is this still a part of grief. Is this a phase of missing you. I don't know but it's an awful place to be. I don't want to be lonely. I want to be alive and myself but as of late I can't be. It's funny how no one asks if I'm ok, almost like they figure I have gotten over your loss I guess I do one hell of a job keeping it all in. But ya know that makes me feel lonely.
I guess as I write this I need to let my built up emotions out my missing you, sheading tears.
Another phase Loneliness another lesson of grief, another huddle to jump, but I guess the only person who can make it go away is myself.

Sometimes its too much to bear. . . .

Sometimes its too much to bear. Sometimes I find myself caught in the thought of wanting my dad, sometimes I relive a moment that I wish I could go back too. Sometimes I wish January 4th never existed. Sometimes there is a time where I just cant get out of my own way of dealing with grief. Sometimes I have too many days like this.
Today seems to be that kind of day, the day where you log into facebook and all that seems to appear are the tearful videos about life and the unexpected, sometimes there are those wedding videos that you know just what is going to happen but you watch it anyway and end up in a puddle of tears. As I watched this video of a bride who had lost her dad just months before her wedding take the father daughter dance with brothers and her new father in law. The pain in her tears I could see and feel, the thought of not having that moment with her dad I cant relate to that as I got to enjoy the tearful father daughter dance with my dad, but yet it was amazing to watch this with full blown tears but yet relive my dance wanting to just hold him and hug him one last time. I remember crying with him as he lead me across the dance floor, I remember him telling me he loved me, I remember looking around and thinking it was just him and I. I wish I could just one time dance this dance with him again, I have the photos and the memories but sometimes its too much to bear. . .

The Colors

I was approached by a gentleman whom was part of the Vietnam group, at the parade I helped organize this past weekend. He asked me "Where would you like the colors" the two other people looked at everyone. I knew exactly what they were thinking, but I knew exactly what he meant. The colors....... the flags of our country those are "the colors" Of course they lead the parade as they should had carrying our "colors" with such pride and dignity.
As a little girl I can recall numerous parades where we would ride throughout the town on top of fire trucks, with the colors decorating the firetrucks. My dad volunteered as a firefighters from when I can remember as a little girl till the day he left this earth.
I would watch my dad at parades remove his hat respecting the flag, when attending a sporting event saying the national anthem. I learned from.him to respect the colors that he so proudly protected as his years in the service. Our house growing up was adorned with an American flag.
And his final.resting place is marked with the colors. It's amazing to think something so simple made a huge impact on my life and I had the knowledge of knowing that the colors are in deed the leader of the parade. Thanks Dad for instilling your love of the colors to me.

4th of July Memories

It's the 4th of July. One your favorite holidays. I mean dad come on food everything you could want and more, conversation, jokes, laughter and just a good time. It's funny dad as I was getting things ready for the cook out I stopped and thought man these won't be as good as dad's (referring to the deviled eggs) or ya know sometimes as I was  making something I got a huge pit in my stomach knowing you won't ever eat it again with us. Jesus dad that sucks. It hurts so bad knowing im.having your favorite things and your not here to share them with. You were such a food contasure, you mastered everything you made and I miss your special touch of making anything just so. Not only do I miss your food but also your arsenal of fireworks you would get every year. I think our firework displays were better than Portlands. Since when I was a little girl I can remember the firework shows we would have at home at the big 4th party, the firecrackers tied to the telephone pole, the huge bomb things. The memories are there and so vivid in my mind but it sure does not help my heartache of missing you. I hope the firecrackers are going off and when I light up the sky with a few fireworks they will be for you Dad. I love you and I miss you so much.