Just thinking. . .

Just thinking. . .Dad I love you and I miss you. Dad I hope your proud of me, Dad Lauren has Kindergarten reg tomorrow. Dad I sealed some chicken I got on sale I think the last time I used the sealer you were here helping me. Dad I just want you to know I miss your laughter, Das I miss your smile and Dad I miss your raised voice conversations. I'm just thinking of you tonight and like I do everyday day.

Feeling Humbled

Tonight I was asked to attend The Southern Maine Hospice "Circle of Caring" donor appreciation night. I went to take photos but left with something way more than a camera of images.
The photos I took of a family at the Gosnell House back in January would be the presentation tonight. "Hanks Story" as the video played and the images of love, one by one were shown, I was in tears. Something so simple as a photograph sure speaks volumes. It told a story a story of a family, a story of a building that is not just for going to die at but so much more. A building that people give themselves of with compassion, care and love and respect. A staff that truly sees people as individuals and as one of their own even for only a short time.  As I stood there watching through the tears in my eyes I smiled at the site of knowing I did something good, I took a single moment and made it a memory. Just like those memories I have of my dad and photographs of us together. I know as I write this he would be so proud of me for doing something so selfless. It's amazing how many lives I touched with one single act of kindness.

Bittersweet day. . .

Today we went through the camper that my parents traveled the United States in and also where my family enjoyed camping in it to either in it or with them in our own camper. It has been tucked away for several years just parked off the driveway, the mice had called it home for awhile but while we went through it tossing out things not salvageable we found many things that sparked a memory and some good laughs. While a piece of me wishes it was in better condition, to keep I knew it was just not feasible and maybe one day we can enjoy new adventures in something similar. The camper maybe gone but not the memories. By the way dad that fleece you won that you said I could not have well I found it and guess what I have it now.

needing him the most

Grief is a funny thing, the stages of grief yeah those are bullshit, cause I can tell you I have been all over the place with my struggle of losing my dad. It's amazing to see the amount of worry and fear that I now have put on myself. Why? No idea. I'm so missing him so much. I mean I miss him everyday but sometimes it's just so much. I feel like I need him the most now that he's gone. I want him to listen to me, hear my stories, agree with my complaints, I just need him. Ya know sure I can talk to him in my thoughts and heck even out loud but it's not even close to being the same. I find myself in a hole I can't crawl out of, needing him to just be here. But I can't have him here and it sucks. I know I will continue to have the days where I need him like today but I can't so I cry and that's all I can do.

I learned it from my daddy!

An incident happened involving my 5 year old and a purse she brought with her containing a valuable to the circus well it was left there, of course discovered after we had gotten home. I called and nothing turned up in lost and found. I was so angry so very angry at the world so angry that good people just don't exist anymore or just are so few and far between. Well I was not going to give up I called was persistent on my feelings and even after driving an hour to search ourselves we were told we could not look, once again I was persistent and made more phone calls trying to get to the root of where it could had gone. Well it paid off it was turned in two days later to the office from an employee of the clean up crew. Funny how I had made a phone call to that manager this am about it. See I was not giving up. Persistence paid off my dad was the same way he never just let things go, never just walked away or took no as the answer I'm so proud to say that I learned my persistence from him cause after this episode it paid off. Thank you dad for your lessons of being persistent. I hope your smiling down on me proud of a lesson you taught me.

if only. . . .it was that easy

While standing in my parents kitchen tonight talking and listening to the girls share stories of their day, I had a feeling well more of a thought a thought of how I wish we were just standing there and just hoping my dad would walk through the door, or I peer in the living room to see him sitting in his chair. My mind started to race and weird thoughts overcome me what if he was at a meeting, what if he had just gone outside he for sure would be right back in joining in on the girls stories and laughter. It was a weird thought process. I wanted to cry out and say how can this be real how can he just not be here. Man it hurt me I miss him so much. This is our life the life without him in it the life without "Dad", "Grampa", "Husband" it's just strange how it's been 1 year and 3mo and a piece of me wants to not believe it.

On the surface

I was just thinking today it's only been a year, you have been gone only a year. Why does it feel longer some days. I found myself today as I cleaned around my house the thought of we should do this or that and remembering in the back of my mind last time dad was here or wow that was just last year. I don't know why somedays it feels like yesterday and I relive the nightmare over and over again. I get into a funk or a depression, some may say,  where I just can't think nothing but scary things. I need to stop. I'm hoping the now warmer spring days will entice me and relax me. I'm missing him so much I don't want the things we did together to have a timeline of when you left us I want my memories to not bring anxiety and depression but happiness and love.