Christmas= Not the same

Your birthday has come and gone, I found myself in that dark place, kinda like a hole that engulfs me not letting me out, but it's not like I could climb out but I don't think I wanted too. 

Your birthday's kept flooding my every thought, I remembered always having the girls sing to you, buying your gift cert to your favorite breakfast place, then there is that thought your 70th Birthday Surprise Birthday Party. The one we never had, I hate the emotions it creates in my mind, the did you think we would not have one, the did you think we did not care, the did they forget, it makes me so emotional, and angry I tell you in my thoughts that it was there it was planned the guest list was being finished but no god choose to take you too god dam early, why the hell would he do that, ugh it makes me angry. So Dad Happy Birthday in heaven I can only hope you were surrounded with balloons, cake friends and family yes that's what I hope and pray for. I miss you 

It's Been Awhile

It's true it's been awhile as I was reminded of that tonight by a special someone, whom misses my thoughts about my dad, its true what they say that you can heal and keep someone alive (even if its just in our hearts) just by writing about them....


Well I have not forgotten about you dad the pain is still as real as that dreaded day in January 2014, my heart still aches my tears still flow and my anger is still there, I still feel lost and sometimes just separated from life and sometimes just everyday living.


Now that the holidays are fast approaching I will be reminded of the void that you have left in our lives, My Birthday and how me being 35 for the past ugh what almost 6 years was always our joke cause you know your little girl would never grow up and or would refuse too.
Well and we cant forget your birthday on the 24th wow could you tell stories about how having a Christmas eve birthday sucked and how sharing it with parities and Christmas gifts and such was unfair I could relate in some way but clearly not as much as you could, how the girls will miss calling you to sing Happy Birthday to the top of their lungs but better yet we will do it and yell it to the heavens.


I hope that the tears will be a little lighter this year even though I cant promise anything I miss you more and more everyday not any less.....


Thank you Mariel for reminding me of how much this helps me and well others like yourself for our Ted will forever be a part of our lives.

letters

So my mom has told me that she has recently begun to re read your letters that you both wrote to each other. I think she finds extreme comfort in them and it brings her back to such a happy time in her life. She shared one with me.
Wow life then was so simple, so selfless and so honest. I mean how often do people confess their love for one another, how often are words poured out into letters deep thoughts, and raw emotion. I don't think ever. It was quite sweet to read. And ya know when men left their wives or girlfriends that was how it was for them all only communication through letters. Wow how different our lives now would be if we still only had that. I'm glad she still has that piece of her life that takes her back to when her life was so full of happiness.

A Medium

So today I got the opportunity to have a medium tell me who's around me. Thank you dad for being there. I can say I'm so relived. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I felt your direction and guidance. Putting me first. Wow and I'm on the lookout for those humming bird earrings you told me that's where I would find my comfort and that rolling stones song. Dead Flowers. I need to try and decider that as well I need to hear more I need that.

There's always a reminder

Well, I started a new adventure, a merchandiser for Hallmark. Yes cards oh how I could write the perfect one I would think as I looked through them. I remember over the years Birthdays, grandparents day, father's day cards always spending time looking for the perfect one. Sometimes a funny one but usually one from the heart and most always a Father from Daughter.
Well I was restocking the father's day section and I began to cry. I wont be able to give you the perfect card again for fathers day. It's sad knowing that even where I work there is a reminder of the one more thing I can't do. It sucks so much, I would give anything to give you your fathers day card, and watch you tear up, yep that's how I always knew I had found the perfect one.

Just what I may need. A letter to my Dad

Hey Dad,
Today I dreamed up one crazy ass idea. Wanna hear it? Of course you do, I know your thinking what is my crazy daughter up to now. Ok today I considered and well am pretty confident that I will sign up to run a marathon. Yes you heard that right a marathon 26.2 miles. YES I'm crazy. But ya know something's have recently had me thinking, pissing me off, questioning people in my life and ya know I thought back to the year you died, the year I ran my 1st half marathon just 2 months after you passed away. The way I felt was so different.
I felt calm, emotional, energized, emotional, inspired, emotional, like a champion, emotional, complete, emotional, invigorated, emotional, proud, emotional. I felt it all, I could think, I could cry, I could feel muscles aching, I could laugh, I could cry but above all I never felt STRESSED. It was amazing how my worries just went away with every pounding foot on the pavement. I realized today that running just maybe my outlet.
I know whatever I deceide to do you will be rooting me on, supporting me and pushing me. So dad please guide me and give me the courage to not give up, to try harder meet the goals, train strong and hard. Thank you
Love Always and Forever
Your Little Girl.

A piece of me. .

We were blessed to have had the opportunity to visit the beautiful Island of Kauai HI again. It was just 2 months after your death that we took our first trip. You were so excited for us, and ya know dad I never got the chance to tell You about it. But I know you were there in sport. This time dad was just as wonderful. I found myself thinking about you as we explored the beauty of this island, I like to call it my heaven. There is something about it, it's peaceful beauty, everywhere you look, the high surf from an angry ocean that can calm you, a simple palm tree swaying in the breeze. A luau with dancers perfecting the heart of Hawaii with their moves. I never thought I could love some place as much as I do love Kauai. I just wanted to share my piece of heaven with you.