I just do. . . .

There is just no rhyme or reason, sometimes I recall a conversation, a memory, a moment in which I erupted in laughter. And I feel an instant ache in my heart of how much I miss you. Tonight I had a moment where I stopped in my own foot steps, smiled, talked out loud to you, and cried. My emotions are just still so real and raw. I'm missing you more each day wishing I could hug you, call you, see you. I just do. . .

Just try to make it through

As if missing you on Christmas is bad enough, having to miss you extra on your birthday makes it even harder. I can't believe that we never got to surprise you with your 70th Birthday Surprise Party. That so sits at the back of my mind after another year not celebrating your birthday passes. I miss the girls not calling you to sing Happy Birthday to the top of their lungs or giving you that extra sappy father/daughter card cause well it said everything and I knew it would always bring you too tears. I hope you celebrated 72 with cake, and your favorite things.
Christmas was at the house gathered with a huge void of having you not there. There was something about you in your chair just taking it all in. Getting that gift and guessing getting it right 99% of the time. I miss you so much, I try to think your there in spirit and watching us all but dam it, that is the furthest from the way I want it. What I would give to have you here celebrating with us. I miss the laughter, crying with you at Hallmark movies, seeing you tear up over the grandkids opening gifts, I miss all the little things in between . I did get a gift labeled to Crystal Love Dad, a crock pot brand new amoungest your stuff you had picked up at one time or another. I cried a bit thinking wow he's not here but yet he still is making his presence known. I tucked the tag I know written by mom but yet the simpleness of seeing love Dad still was just what I needed. I have it saved for the day I need to see it or feel your presence. Your loved so much and missed more than words can express. Happy 72nd Birthday Daddy.

It appears in simple ways

Yesterday December 15th I celebrated my 35th birthday (for the 6th year) I was blessed with Birthday wishes from family and friends near and far, it was a relaxing day with ending the night with dinner with my favorite people my girls and the hubby.
Well and Im quite certain that my dad showed me his birthday wishes with a quaint little story:
I went to the post office before going about my day to finish up some shopping. I saw a gentleman get out of the truck across from me as I was leaving the post office. This same gentleman was one I saw in the local paper just the past week having recognized the name and a familiar face, I knew he was a friend of my dads.
Well this was my moment to touch base and ask so I did. I said "excuse me are you John Cloonan," he said "yes" I said, "you don't recognize me do you," in which he answered "No" I introduced myself as "Ed Bracketts daughter," He was like "Oh my yes," and i'm sorry to hear about your dad he was a great guy," Immediately my heart melted a bit and I smiled and he told me about some stories of my dad, its amazing how something so simple can make his presence known.
Dad thank you for showing me that you are still there and you know what dad you are missed by more than you ever thought.

Only thing I can give you. . .

As Christmas quickly approaches, I'm left with just one thing to give you. A basket yeah full of fresh sprigs of pine, evergreen and balsum, oh and some little red berries, all blended together with a maroon bow. That's it. No more scouring through stores looking for that one thing you had not already bought yourself, or that #1 Grampa mug you could add to your collection. I guess the basket will do. But its more than a basket sure it makes the drab looking winter cemetary that's awaiting snow look a little better, it shows others your thought of and loved, but I guess it's what's on my heart that matters most still. The love you gave me as a child is in my heart, the harsh lessons of growing up is in my heart, the memories,the laughter, the tears, the heart ache, the bond we shared its all still very much alive in my heart. So even though we can no longer laugh together, or say I love you or just talk I do have all those other things that you gave me and I gave you in return. So please just accept the basket so you know that you are loved and missed more and more everyday.

Footprints in the Sand.

Its amazing how something you see or hear can trigger an emotion and thought of you dad. Tonight I watched a tv show where she danced in memory of her dad. It was flawless and beautiful. I cried, sobbed knowing how I could relate to her emotions.
I pulled up the poem Footprints in the sand. How the Lord walked beside at times and carried her the other. Maybe this relates to us dad a father and a daughter, maybe you walk beside me during certain times in my life but other times when I feel beat up, emotionally out of control, angry or frustrated you carry me.
Either way sometimes I wish you were here walking beside me with your feet next to mine not just leaving footprints. Its amazing how things change emotions grow and yet when I reach for an outlet someone has failed me and the footprints are not there. If in fact your carrying me thank you.

Love and Hate

It's fast approaching, the Holidays. Thanksgiving is is just over a week away, oh dad how our freezer would be filled with the deal you got on Turkey's. How you would be checking to see what else we needed and to make sure I had cranberry relish fixings ready.
Walking through the grocery store I found myself smiling to myself at all the things we would have to have and or stuff that you taught me to make. I love the Holidays but oh how I miss not having these memories to make anymore with you. I guess I just have to keep recreating them.

A diffrent kinda scare Halloween

I love Halloween always have. I remember my dad taking us all around Buxton, leaving no home unvisited. He enjoyed it as much as us kids did. It was always a great adventure. Well I have finally gotten Amber into visiting Halloween haunted houses and we visited one in NH. It was fun with her boyfriend tagging along. We went into the different haunts and it was sucessfull with screams from me along with Amber and Mitchell.
Well we went through the haunted cementary. There was this building we walked into. I was not scared of the haunters it was the fear of this stuffed dummy type person laying in a make shift coffin, with poor fake blood and a few other decorations to make it look creepy, well when I looked at it I saw something very different. This was a thing a fake person with my dads shirt on, no kidding the exact type shirt my dad would wear, and boots just like my dad would wear. I stood there looking over my shoulder knowing it was not real but yet something inside me brought me to the funeral home standing beside him.
It was a strange feeling the world was silent for all I could do was keep looking back. A piece of me just wanted to grab it and hold it or grab it and run or just grab it and cry. It was weird. I was seeing my dad or was I wanting it to be him.
Later that night waiting to go into other haunts I asked Amber if she noticed it she of course did but really did not put it together but Mitchell told me he saw me looking back he said he knew I was thinking something much different.
I did I missed my dad at that moment I missed him all over I missed the trick or treating I missed him scaring us I missed him I just missed him.