Footprints in the Sand.

Its amazing how something you see or hear can trigger an emotion and thought of you dad. Tonight I watched a tv show where she danced in memory of her dad. It was flawless and beautiful. I cried, sobbed knowing how I could relate to her emotions.
I pulled up the poem Footprints in the sand. How the Lord walked beside at times and carried her the other. Maybe this relates to us dad a father and a daughter, maybe you walk beside me during certain times in my life but other times when I feel beat up, emotionally out of control, angry or frustrated you carry me.
Either way sometimes I wish you were here walking beside me with your feet next to mine not just leaving footprints. Its amazing how things change emotions grow and yet when I reach for an outlet someone has failed me and the footprints are not there. If in fact your carrying me thank you.

Love and Hate

It's fast approaching, the Holidays. Thanksgiving is is just over a week away, oh dad how our freezer would be filled with the deal you got on Turkey's. How you would be checking to see what else we needed and to make sure I had cranberry relish fixings ready.
Walking through the grocery store I found myself smiling to myself at all the things we would have to have and or stuff that you taught me to make. I love the Holidays but oh how I miss not having these memories to make anymore with you. I guess I just have to keep recreating them.

A diffrent kinda scare Halloween

I love Halloween always have. I remember my dad taking us all around Buxton, leaving no home unvisited. He enjoyed it as much as us kids did. It was always a great adventure. Well I have finally gotten Amber into visiting Halloween haunted houses and we visited one in NH. It was fun with her boyfriend tagging along. We went into the different haunts and it was sucessfull with screams from me along with Amber and Mitchell.
Well we went through the haunted cementary. There was this building we walked into. I was not scared of the haunters it was the fear of this stuffed dummy type person laying in a make shift coffin, with poor fake blood and a few other decorations to make it look creepy, well when I looked at it I saw something very different. This was a thing a fake person with my dads shirt on, no kidding the exact type shirt my dad would wear, and boots just like my dad would wear. I stood there looking over my shoulder knowing it was not real but yet something inside me brought me to the funeral home standing beside him.
It was a strange feeling the world was silent for all I could do was keep looking back. A piece of me just wanted to grab it and hold it or grab it and run or just grab it and cry. It was weird. I was seeing my dad or was I wanting it to be him.
Later that night waiting to go into other haunts I asked Amber if she noticed it she of course did but really did not put it together but Mitchell told me he saw me looking back he said he knew I was thinking something much different.
I did I missed my dad at that moment I missed him all over I missed the trick or treating I missed him scaring us I missed him I just missed him.

a reflection can trigger so much more

So today I learned that my 7th grade English teacher Mr. Norton passed away. I felt a sudden sense of sadness as I read the obituary. It brought me right back to the classroom the one room tucked in the corner right after the band room. I remember quotes of famous writters and photos covered the walls. He was that one teacher kids wanted to have and I'm so glad to say I was one of the lucky ones. I reflected today a lot thinking about how much I like to read and write and blog. How much I enjoy all aspects of language arts. It's amazing to think that one person could have such an impact even now today 27 years ago. I read what some of my classmates or fellow upper and lower classmen wrote and wow he was one hell of a teacher to have touched so many lives. Tonight I'm greatful to have known him. Dad look for Mr. Norton and share some stories with him for I think  you two would get along great.

A year in the making

It's hard to believe that a tag on a FB post would had brought me to this blogging journey. It started when a friend reached out to me inviting me to a grief workshop. When I attended I never knew that only 9 months after losing you dad still felt like day one. I never knew how deep the hurt went and how angry I was and yet how scared and how much I miss you. It's been a little over a year that I sat in front of my laptop resting on my lap and typed away. It's been so helpful for me to refect on you Dad and the long road of grief. It has made me smile, laugh, and cry and reminisce about the father/daughter bond we have.
I have shared my blog with friends and family who have lost their dad maybe my words would comfort them like they have comforted me or caused anger and tears for I have too learned that grief is an ugly thing that everyone handles differently. I will continue to blog my feelings and refections of you dad for I've learned that each word still makes you feel alive in my heart and mind. I love you dad and miss you more everyday. My tears are still real and that will never end. I will someday smile more smiles than shead tears but till then I will blog my thoughts and feelings about you the man I call my dad. Loved forever and missed everyday by your little girl.

I talk to you.....

It's not very often that I don't talk to you. I don't mind having conversations with you. Some days it's two or three times some days it's more and some days it's less. It amazing how a one way conversation with your dad can make you feel better. A piece of me wants to think that he is hearing me and that if I'm asking him for help or support he's giving it. I think I get comfort in knowing that maybe not physically right by my side I know he's there or at least he is always listening to me, and some days that's just what I need.

Only a memory

Came across a post today talking about our trip to Disney 2 years ago. Laurens First trip to Disney. Little did we know it would be the last trip ever with my dad. He loved Disney and I'm so happy he experienced Laurens First time riding rides meeting princess's and everything else. Its hard to say that we will never capture those memories again with him. But I will for sure hold the memories we have within my heart's our hearts forever.